A recent (and completely random) eBay purchase reminded me of how wonderful my childhood used to be. In fact, for any young males born between the years 1978 and 1984, it was probably a good childhood… provided your folks had a solid TV connection, and didn’t mind cartoons.

Man, growing up, there was nothing I longed for more than my daily dosage of cartoons to keep my imagination running wild. Now some uptight, anal-retentive, conservative-types might say that the over-the-top acts of violence often depicted in these programs might warp and distort young minds, thereby leaving them more susceptible to committing violent or antisocial acts.

Gimme a fuckin’ break.

There is something to be said for creativity and imagination. That’s what makes the world go ‘round. One person’s imagination can spawn an entire new lifestyle based around a single piece of film, art, music, etc. And believe it or not, cartoons are no different.

To quote the almighty Steven Tyler, “To be creative you’ve gotta be a child. You gotta be true to the crib.” I love that quote, and I live by it day to day. So when I am referred to as a “big kid” by somebody, I take that as a tremendous compliment. Yes, I still watch cartoons when time permits. I still play video games, read comic books, and the like when I have a little “Rick Time” to kill. I see nothing wrong with that.

Would you rather I be embracing my inner child or running rampant through the streets of Waterbury with a loaded .45?

Hey, you can’t blame a guy for trying to fit in, right?

Anyway, this eBay purchase I mentioned is truly a find: two classic episodes and two new, revamped episodes of He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe on four individual videotapes. All for $9.99 with shipping and handling included.

To quote George Costanza, “this is like discovering plutonium by accident!”

The original cartoon is so full of shtick, it’s almost comical. But at the same time, there are the occasional flashes of true virtue in the writing, particularly in one episode, “The Problem With Power.” If you’re a rabid eBayer, Amazonian, or Kazaa Junkie, I recommend searching for this. For a cartoon as one-dimensional as He-Man, this was actually a pretty thoughtful episode. And to boot, the new series on Cartoon Network is a full-on 10 in my book. It retains all the old characters, but brings it up to speed so that the shlock is kept to a minimum (thank God).

See, these kids today don’t get that kind of classic cartoon action that we grew up with. They get one of two things in their animation diet: either bizarre, non sequitur cartoons that borderline on the disturbing, or Japan’s most pointless, nonsensical kid’s anime.

The first category is comprised of the truly strange cartoons. You know the ones, like Fairly Oddparents, My Life As A Teenage Robot, that kinda stuff. We all know where the inspiration for those bad boys came from… Ren & Stimpy. There was something wonderfully alarming about that show. It was just so magnificently disgusting and borderline psychotic that, for a 12-year-old like myself, it was fantastic. And I do admit, some of today’s modern ‘toons that take their inspiration from Ren & Stimpy are pretty solid. Personally, I think Spongebob Squarepants is among the funniest programs on TV. Maybe not entirely suitable for kiddies at times, but definitely appropriate enough for me.

The second category is comprised of Japan’s finest, which turns out to be America’s poorest. I’m talking about rot like Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! This is what I’m talking about, kids don’t get the great action cartoons that we had growing up. They don’t get giant robots that turn into tanks or mystical sword-wielding barbarians. They get electric mice and folks who fight by playing cards. What a crock of crap.

Memo to Japan: I love most of your exports. I drive a Camry. I own a Sony PlayStation 2. I grew up on Nintendo. My cell phone is a Nokia. I used to love Michinoku Pro and FMW. I still love watching old tapes of Keiji Mutoh and Jushin Liger. For the most part, I approve of your contributions to American culture. But something in your collective Japanese brain must’ve gotten a bad sprain after that whole Tomagochi craze, ‘cause your cartoons suck ass. I’m not talking about shit like Akira or Ghost In The Shell. I can see the artistic qualities of those films. But your kids’ cartoons suck portions of ass too big to grasp with chopsticks. Save them for your kids, spare ours.

There was even a recent story on Fox News that Saturday morning cartoons, a staple in everyone’s childhood for more than 30 years, are on the decline. I find this to be such a tragedy… Kids should be allowed to revel in their childhood given the massive quantities of shit they will have to endure in their adult lives. They should be allowed to enjoy their childhood, and as far as I’m concerned, cartoons are an integral part of that developmental process.

Having thereby established such a woeful lack of fine children’s programming, I have therefore taken it upon myself to list the top ten cartoons of my youth.

Before I go any further, it should be duly noted that I am excluding “classic” cartoons such as old school Disney, Scooby Doo, and the grand-daddy of ‘em all, Looney Tunes. I’m talking retro cartoons, the kind that are now making a major comeback in the mainstream… the kind I grew up with.

I am also withholding primetime cartoons that are more risqué and adult-oriented. That is an entirely different vein altogether. Although for the record, the top five in that category are The Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, Beavis & Butt-Head, and The Critic. Case closed.

No, I’m talking about cartoons that I grew up with. Cartoons like…

He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe. Since this is in no particular order, I figured I might as well start it off with the ‘toon that inspired this post. The basic premise of He-Man was simple: Prince Adam, an apparent coward in most Eternians’ eyes, would draw his magical power sword whenever danger arose, say those five magic words that every young child should know (“By the power of Grayskull!”), and transform into He-Man, the strongest man in the universe. He-Man and his crew, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Teela, Orko, and the foxy Sorceress would defend Eternia from Skeletor and his henchmen (Beastman, Evil-Lynn, Triklops, Mer-Man, etc.). The thing that made this cartoon unique was that the toys predated the cartoon, leading many to lambaste it as a half-hour toy commercial. In a sense, said critics were accurate, as many of the characters were just ridiculous with little real function in the battle against evil (Man-E-Faces, Mech-A-Neck). However, there was a certain Shakespearean quality to He-Man in that Adam opted to pose as a goofball, a veritable slacker, so as not to arouse suspicion as to his true identity as He-Man. In Shakespeare’s Henry IV: Part I and Henry IV: Part II, Prince Hal employs a similar technique by posing as a rambunctious young punk, all the while planning to take full responsibility when the time comes for him to be king. Sure enough, in Henry V, Hal, now king, is represented as England’s greatest wartime king. In short, while it was marketing at it’s most devious, He-Man did occasionally throw in the valuable lesson during the actual story.

Transformers. This is perhaps the favorite of most nostalgians like myself. The premise is quite simple: giant robots from a planet called Cybertron have the ability to transform into cars, trucks, planes, weapons, and a variety of household items. Now on earth, the heroic Autobots strive to defeat the evil Decepticons, who are bent on destroying Earth and reclaiming Cybertron. This cartoon was unique from all others on this list in that it was dead serious. Even the other action cartoons here often featured flashes of cheap comedy, usually thanks to a bumbling sidekick of some sort. Transformers, however, sunk to no such lows. It was good vs. evil, plain and simple. This show managed to capture many a child’s imagination by providing interesting character development (for the 80’s at least), solid animation, and, of course, transforming robots. How cool is that? I mean, think about it. Such a concept was absolutely unheard of back then, and it really pushed the limits of what cartoons were all about. Still not convinced? How about the fact that over 20 years later, Transformers endures as one of the most beloved cartoons ever. Much like Star Wars and Star Trek, the cartoon has its own convention: “BotCon.” At this convention, diehard “TransFans” gather to buy and trade old and new toys and assorted collectibles. They go so far as to make their own costumes that actually transform. The ‘toon had a solid run for several seasons, not to mention a slew of spin-offs in recent years (Beast Wars, Armada), a kick-ass movie that really pushed the envelope for ’86 (how about killing off several of your major characters and tossing in some bad language for a kids’ movie?), and one blatant rip-off that everyone seems to hate. GoBots, I’m looking your way…

G.I. Joe. Lets face it, this was the cartoon that spawned a generation of service men and women. This one took that classic 12” doll (perhaps the first official “action figure” in the children’s toy canon) with the Kung Fu grip and transformed it into an elite military unit designed specifically to take out the evil terrorist group Cobra. The Joes were fairly one-dimensional with the exception of a few notable characters (Roadblock, Snake Eyes, Shipwreck), but what an ensemble. I mean, where the frig else could you find a sailor, a Native American, a mute Ninja, a basketball player, a pro wrestler, and a cowboy in the military? It’s like the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy on homosexuals was lifted and the Village People enlisted. Beyond the Joes, Cobra’s finest were just too cool. I’m talking before Serpentor and that bizarre Cobra-La shit in the movie. Cobra Commander is the ultimate egotistical villain, so completely full of himself that he borderlines on bumbling. Of course, that seems to be the trademark of every Chris Latta voiced villain… hubris. Cobra Commander, Starscream in Transformers, even Rasp in the obscure Dino Riders. And the man played the part… or voiced the voice to a tee. Lets also not forget Destro and the Baroness. Very cool stuff. Plus the fact that in a military cartoon, no one ever died. We need the Joes over in Iraq, man.

Voltron. Rule of thumb: Kids love giant morphing robots. One of the few Japanese cartoon exports to really make a splash in the U.S. and actually be entertaining. The premise: five space travelers in search of a giant robot called Voltron land on the planet of Arus, which is being tormented by the “Planet of Doom’s” most notorious residents… King Zarkon, Prince Lotor, and Hagar the Witch. The explorers, Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, and Sven (who soon departs) team up with the planet’s princess, Allura to pilot five robotic lions that, when the world is threatened, combine to form the monolithic robot Voltron, famous for its amazing power and blazing sword. King Zarkon’s robeasts never stood a chance against that blazing sword! An aside: I don’t know how many people have pegged the Voltron robot as the inspiration for the original Megazord in Might Morphin’ Power Rangers. It certainly is an uncanny resemblance. At any rate, this was just plain fun, as I recall. Completely predictable, a la He-Man, but still a good romp. It should be noted that a less popular Voltron spin-off was aired at the same time featuring an Earthbound “cousin,” also called Voltron. Only this Voltron was made completely of giant vehicles. This one never had the character development… probably because there were too many vehicles that needed pilots. No one could keep track of who was who. Also, a 3-D Voltron ‘toon hit the waves in the late ‘90’s, but nothing beats the real thing.

Danger Mouse. This is one of the most oft-overlooked of all kids’ ‘toons from the 80’s. A satirical British feature that was part James Bond, part Mickey Mouse, part Monty Python, all classic. Danger Mouse is a small white mouse with an eye patch who is also the world’s greatest secret agent. His partner is a cowardly little hamster in horn rims named Penfold, and his arch-nemesis is the vile frog kingpin, Baron Silas von Greenback. Describing this is just nigh-impossible for me… except that my parents were content with the fact that I would go to bed immediately following Danger Mouse, for it always satiated my childish cartoon cravings. I mean… DM lived in a commonplace red pillar box on Baker Street in London just outside the home of Sherlock Holmes. This li’l rodent managed to travel the world in his fantastic car/plane, or into space with the “Space Hopper.” The cartoons were part adventure, part non sequitur comedy that was just plain silly. For some reason, this was always in my top three. For me, it was He-Man, Transformers, and Danger Mouse. If ever there were cartoon to epitomize the term “zany,” this’d be it. The two years that Danger Mouse was on the air were two of the greatest years of my life. Hands down.

Thundercats. Say it with me now… “Thunder… Thunder… Thundercats! Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! This was another tale of swordplay and futuristic technology, featuring Lion-O, the heroic leader of the Thundercats, residents of the planet Thundera, taking on Mumm-Raa and his minions. Somehow, while Mumm-Raa was not as memorable a villain as, say, Skeletor or Megatron, there was just something cool about the ‘Cats. Especially Cheatara. Now that was a fox of a cat. Or something. It also featured Panthro, widely regarded as the “black” Thundercat. Hilarious. No, what made this cartoon particularly cool was the animation, which was top-notch for the time, and the cool weapons and vehicles. In fact, comic book magazine Wizard recently had a Fantasy Warfare bout between Lion-O, bearing his Sword of Omens, and He-Man, wielding the Sword of Grayskull. I am now fully bearing my inner geek, but that’s one I’d pay to see. Right up there with Aliens vs. Predator and Robocop vs. Terminator. Yes ladies, I am still single. No, I’m not surprised, either.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What can you say about this one except it defined a generation of kids? Young, full of piss and vinegar, feisty, loud-mouthed, etc. ad infinitum. This cartoon originated from a much more volatile independent comic book that ultimately made its way to a kid-friendly fan base via light-hearted cartoon adventures. What is unique about TMNT is that it practically created its own language, integrating the phrase “cowabunga” into the pop cultural lexicon. But when this little ditty about four giant turtles, their sensei rat, red-headed news reporter friend, evil ninja nemesis, and his extra-dimensional gigantic talking brain ally wasn’t influencing the vernacular, it was providing some of the most unique cartoon action in years. Put it this way: you know that a kids’ cartoon makes it big when it spawns its own live-action film and subsequent sequels. Attempts to revive the Turtles in the late 90’s were flawed when a live-action TV show not only added a much-hated female turtle to the mix, but also made a complete shift in antagonists. Believe it or not, Shredder, who had tormented the Turtles for nearly 10 years (in real time, that is), was ousted from the new series within the first few episodes. I speak for everybody when I say, “Blasphemy!” How dare these half-baked writers take such gross liberties with a classic? I wasn’t this pissed off at character mismanagement since the entire Spider-Clone debacle of the mid 90’s. Thankfully, an updated cartoon has made its way back to the small screen, bringing back the characters we love. Say it with me now, “Turtle Power!”

DuckTales. Man, remember when Disney was still considered to be an earnest company for kids and not an evil corporation? Those were the days… At any rate, this was one of the earliest Disney ‘toons to surface between the late 80’s and early 90’s. It told the tale of Scrooge McDuck (Donald’s uncle), and his great nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie. See, Scrooge is a rich duck, and his love of money often led to amazing adventures. And man, what adventures they were! What always struck me about this show was that while Scrooge was the main protagonist, there was such a plethora of unique characters in Duckberg that it was nothing short of mind-blowing. In fact, no single character was in every single episode of the program. They say variety is the spice of life, and I like to agree. Bearing that in mind, I think this might be the most underrated ‘toon of my youth. There was also the underlying theme that money isn’t everything, which made for a nice moral message for the ‘il kiddies. Plus, the stories took so much from ancient history and mythology, they were simply too cool not to get drawn in. Truly a classic in every sense of the word.

Tiny Toon Adventures. While the ubiquitous Looney Tunes didn’t make the list due to loopholes and logistics, this pint-sized version of Bugs and the crew definitely brought back some fond memories of my youth. Here we have one that once again proves a character ensemble is by far the way to go! I mean, c’mon, ya got Babs and Buster Bunny (no relation), Plucky Duck, Gogo Dodo, Dizzy Devil, Li’l Sneezer, so many great characters. This really is an oft-overlooked gem in the Warner Bros. cartoon canon. Lets be honest, this was the precursor to Animaniacs, which begat Pinky & The Brain. But Tiny Toons was the first to really not only play off of the Warner Bros. cartoon legacy, but also poke fun at Hollywood through sharp little witticisms and quips. I mean, there was a whole episode where Plucky tried to convince Tim Burton to direct Bat-Duck. Simply hilarious. And if all else failed, there was always Baby Plucky and those five magic words: “Ele’lator go down the ho-o-o-o-ole.”

Muppet Babies. Recipe for cartoon success: take several of Jim Henson’s beloved Muppets, set Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine to their childhood, and let their imaginations run wild. For years, Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzy, Rolph, Scooter, Skeeter (where’d she come from?), and Animal captured the imaginations of every kid on the planet. This cartoon was beautiful in that it was totally innocent, 100% wholesome. When it wasn’t parodying Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or Star Trek, it was just being cute in a healthy sort of way. The impetus of Muppet Babies was imagination. Much like Calvin & Hobbes, the characters’ adventures took place entirely in their imaginations. That’s awesome.

After all, that’s what cartoons should be all about, right? Imagination.

If I haven’t provided enough satisfactory information on these cartoons, just Google them and enjoy your childhood. And if that’s not enough, hit up eBay, Amazon, or Half.com and let it fly. Won’t you please join our tea party? C’mon, regress with me, here!

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Proof positive that TV producers are rapidly running out of reality show ideas. Are the Amish even allowed to do this? I'd pay to see an Amish excommunication.

And before I forget, go Pats!

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Check it out... Looks like Britney was inspired by "Jump The Landshark" and decided to get a headstart on the competition in the '04!

Well, another year has passed. Hard to believe, huh? I’d like to thank you all for killing some time with me on occasion and sharing your thoughts on the opinions expressed on this website.

Now, to proceed with the first post of the New Year, let’s raise the roof in the ’04 and kick this year off with a bang by starting a new tradition hear at Landshark Sandwich. Call it my answer to the Razzies. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring to you…

The First Annual “Jump The Landshark” Awards!

Now I’m sure a great deal of you are familiar with the Jump The Shark phenomenon, and for those of you who aren’t, click here to visit the Jump The Shark web site. There’s plenty of information including a full listing of TV shows, discussion boards (for those of you who have enough time on your hands to both read this post and discuss who was the better Darren on Bewitched), and most importantly to you newbies, an explanation of what “Jump The Shark” is all about and where the term originated.

Now although I dubbed these as “awards,” the recipients and their crimes are far too numerous and varied to possibly concoct any sufficient categories. Therefore, all perpetrators are considered equally guilty in the eyes of the almighty tribunal (read: me), and the quality of their shameful acts are open for judgment by you, the readers. In the eyes of the Honorable Judge L.S. Sandwich, justice is blind, the leppard is def, and the criminals are dumb.

So strap on your in-line rollerblades and grab hold of that rope attached to the dune buggy, ‘cause the Landshark is hungry…

VH1. I used to enjoy watching VH1. Really. See, our cable system in Waterbury is for the birds, so I’m not as fortunate as some to be blessed with MTV2, Fuse, or VH1 Classic. Nope. I gots MTV and VH1. You all know my long disdain for MTV (which, for the record, jumped the Landshark eons ago), and now VH1 seems to be running neck and neck with its older cousin for most annoying mainstream music station. These goddamned All Access and The Fabulous Life Of… specials do absolutely nothing for me, and I pity you if they do anything for you. How are we enriched by this in any way? Why should I care about how Jennifer Lopez lives and how much money she makes? What, does VH1 think I don’t hate her enough? Do I need more hatred towards Jenny from the block? Well, maybe. Be that as it may, I don’t need to be reminded of it constantly. These half-baked “insider” programs that seem to be the norm with the network’s newly revamped image and logo bring it several notches below its former greatness. It is now akin to the type of shallow we’re used to saying on E! In the last year, the only special that I’ve enjoyed has been their All Access on primetime cartoons (for obvious reasons). Granted, I dug I Love The 80’s Strikes Back, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see this “sequel” for what it is: a shallow attempt to nab viewers who loved the first series (with good reason, I might add. Their take on the 70’s just didn’t pack the same punch). Meanwhile, my heart and soul of rock and roll has been denied great stuff like The Rock Show and Forever Wild. Hey, I know that Pantera might not push as many units as your beloved Dave Matthews, but why should you deny them air time? Pricks.

The RIAA. Hey, lets sue the people who make us money! Morons. No wonder digital music is on the rise.

Jewel. I’ve gone over this one before, but let me recap: the woman is a fairly talented singer/songwriter with a refreshing earnestness about her. Or at least she was before she fell to clichéd techno beats and saccharine-sweet hooks on her latest album. Let us also not forget the retooled, ultra-glossy, mega-skimpy Hollywood laminated image that she has now adopted. We’ve gone from a humble Eskimo girl with her guitar to a sexed up Barbie Doll getting hosed down by firemen and taking showers in her videos. Y’know, she could boast all she wants about the depth of her lyrics on the new album, but she can’t fool me. That piece of garbage has about as much depth as a kiddie pool owned by a family of midgets. Honey, don’t give me a dime and call it a dollar. This jewel is too polished for the genuine article, which would lead any gemologist to believe it’s a fake. But rather than tossing this diamond back in the rough, I’d be more inclined to put it to the test against a steamroller. Just to see how “real” it is.

Kiss. Another group that I’ve ranted over before. Now I agree, these guys are tried and true sellouts. And that says something since I consider the term “sellout” to be just a buzzword cooked up by hardcore wannabe non-conformists. It gives them a reason to hate a good artist that they once cheered, all because a few more people bought their last album. At any rate, Kiss are the epitome of the Great American Hype Machine. I’ve seen them live, and the show is all shtick, no substance. If I wanted to see a fireworks display featuring guys in makeup, I’d go to Ringling Bros. on the Fourth of July. But see folks, my opinion aside, Kiss really Jumped ye olde Landshark this year. How so you ask? Well for starters, the whole “Kiss Symphony” deal was hokey as hell. It’s an age old last ditch effort to sell tickets at extravagant costs, and an excuse to put out another live album. Secondly, while Peter Criss might be back in the fold, the almighty Ace Frehley, (read: the only talented member of Kiss) was replaced by the talented, yet comparatively mediocre Tommy Thayer. Sorry Tommy, but Space Ace has got your number, plain and simple. Furthermore, the self-proclaimed “hottest band in the world” have allowed themselves to surrender their precious top billing. That’s right. After years of ripping off their fans, and producing all sorts of absurd merchandise ranging from Kiss Coffins to Kiss Tampons, the egos that be have been forced to admit that they aren’t the cat’s meow. On their mega-tour with Aerosmith, Kiss found themselves in a role that they are not used to: opening act. All the pyro and fake blood in the Kiss Prop Department can’t hide the fact that the lords of the Kiss Army are standing on their last legs with a torn ACL.

California. I kept quiet for most of the recall election simply because everyone who wasn’t running took the time to voice their opinion. When they both got done and the dust settled, we were left with the highest paid actor in film history holding a major office in the U.S. Government. I can’t say this really surprises me; I’ve always felt that it would be just a matter of time before the film stars that I grew up with began to enter the political arena. I figured if Jesse Ventura could be elected governor of Minnesota, Arnold Schwarzenegger would have no trouble whatsoever bombarding his way into the hearts of California’s voting population. Now, I’d say that the whole ordeal makes a mockery out of American politics, but if history and chaos theory prove anything, longstanding politicians have been doing that for the past 40 years and change. So I’ll hold my tongue on all that business. Besides, Arnie isn’t the first celebrity to run for office, so I’ll let time and fate be the judge of his skills. The reason the Sunshine State finds its way into the winner’s circle is simply because of the fact that a recall happened to begin with. As far as I’m concerned, this sets a dangerous precedent, and it could allow for any office to be disputed with relative ease as long as someone challenges the individual in the driver’s seat. If you really wanna see our system take a nosedive in the next few years, the California recall would be a good place to begin charting the chronology of its downfall.

Kobe Bryant. Hey, if it keeps the Lakers from becoming the Yankees of the NBA, toss his ass in Oz and let the inmates have at it.

Rush Limbaugh. It’s been a long time coming, but this proves that karma exists. The biggest blowhard in the political world has finally begun to bottom out, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Hey Rush, while you were popping OxyContin, you should’ve haggled with your dealer for some TrimSpa.

Jason Newsted. Say what you will about St. Anger (and Jason certainly did), but there’s no denying that this guy’s career is about as dead in the water as Saddam’s chances of a fair trial. Not only did the guy contradict himself every third interview, thereby blowing his chances of reuniting with Metallica, he also apparently blew his gig with Ozzy Osbourne. How does he do it? Better yet, who cares? Good riddance to yesterday’s news.

Ben Moody. OK, your band has a ginormous single, making for a major breakthrough into the mainstream. You’re big time, groupies, tour bus, the whole nine yards. In a few years you’ll probably be headlining major tours. So what do you do? You quit the band. Well, at least that’s Ben Moody’s line of thinking, as he quit Evanescence a little over half a year following their breakthrough with “Bring Me To Life.” Y’know, personal differences aside, is it really possible to dislike someone enough to stick it out for the greater good? Hell, even the Black Crowes went over ten years before splitting up, and they friggin’ hated one another. Besides, Moody’s reportedly known lead singer Amy Lee for over ten years… what on earth could come between them this late in the game? Jesus. And to top it all off, he’s now working on material with Avril Lavigne, and posting on Evanescence’s message board. Oh, yeah, Moody. You’re shark bait.

The Dixie Chicks. Another one that I’ve covered before. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, leave the sociopolitical commentary to Tom Morello and Bono. These three just aren’t qualified to voice an opinion on the war in Iraq, or our President, and they proved that by the sheer ignorance of their comments. Look, bottom line is that if you’re gonna basically insult the President during a time of international conflict, you better be prepared to back up your comments with some good old fashioned logic. You also better be ready for some major league backlash from the media and soon-to-be former fans. I don’t necessarily agree with the knee-jerk response by the radio stations and the record-buying public, however I cannot say that I’m surprised. That seems to be the way it goes in our humdrum, fair-weather fan country. It’s a tough pill, I know. But ya gotta put your salivary glands to work and swallow that fucker if you plan on making such garish comments. And worst of all, for the love of God, don’t go back on your statements just to cover your ass. Suck it up and take the hit. You’ll be better chicks for it. Until that time, I’ll see you somewhere over the dorsal fin.

Radio104 and ClearChannel Entertainment. Some of you non-Connecticians might find yourselves befuddled by this inclusion, so let me paint the picture for you with disgust as my water colors and frustration as my easel: Radio104 was a popular modern rock radio station based out of Hartford, CT. Since 1999, the station’s main claim to fame was its morning program, featuring Dee Snider. Yes, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fame. Yes, “We’re-Not-Gonna-Take-It-Shove-It-Up-Tipper-Gore’s-Ass” Dee Snider. Say what you will about the band, but the show was pretty solid, and a nice alternative to Howard Stern for those who might be faint of heart. Anyway, last September, Radio104, which operates under the ClearChannel corporate flagship, pulled the plug on Dee Snider Radio, and replaced it with Bubba the Love Sponge. For those of you who don’t know the name, consider yourselves lucky. Bubba is a flash-in-the-pan Tampa Bay morning DJ who fancies himself the ultimate contender to Howard Stern’s on-air throne. Truth be told, the Love Sponge is just a two-bit Stern rip-off whose taken everything Howie has done and turned it into a gross parody. Consider his show “Redneck Radio” at its worst. Now ClearChannel decided that it’d be a good idea to syndicate Bubba’s show nationwide, and felt that the Hartford area, the long-forgotten hub of New England, would be a great place to start. See, Stern doesn’t air in Tampa Bay, so Bubba’s argument for years has been that Stern is too scared to go up against the Love Sponge. While that claim might have more holes than my dad’s socks, it was enough to convince ClearChannel to give it a go. So in September of ’02, Bubba the Love Sponge hit the airwaves, and the backlash was palpable. Online petitions and Anti-Bubba websites began popping up, and Radio104, despite no apparent change in its musical programming, lost a significant percentage of listeners. In fact, it got so bad that last month, ClearChannel not only dropped Bubba, but completely reworked the format. Once a decent rock station, Radio104 is now the latest in a long line of generic hip-hop stations to surface. The worst crime of all is the fact that there are no longer any DJs spinning discs live. How do I know this? Because the station proudly advertises this fact. The station’s playlist is one big computer program chuck full of the latest jams to blaze (my apologies for including the terms “jams” and “blaze” in the same sentence, but it needed to be done to get the message across). So after alienating its fans and changing the station format, ClearChannel has proven that it cares nothing for its listeners or its employees. Profits are what drive this giant, and that is the sort of mindset that endangers truly great radio. These guys jumped so high, I’m still waiting for them to touch down.

Madonna. For all of her so-called creativity and musical genius, Madonna sure ate it this year. Here’s hoping she’s as good at reinventing herself as all the critics say she is, because after the ’03, she desperately needs an injection of something fresh and lively. You wanna talk about a superstar that’s fallen, Madonna could very well be to 2003 what Michael Jackson was to 2002. That is to say she fucked up royally, and she might not be able to fully recover from her trips. She did so many cartwheels over the Landshark, that the chronology of her jumps is something of a blur to me, but at least we can hit on the big topics. She released Swept Away, which was a critical and financial disaster. Rather than sweeping audiences away, the picture swept the Razzies, AKA the Anti-Oscars. I don’t know a single person who made an attempt to see this gem, but from what I understand it was so bad that Mystery Science Theater 3000 could’ve released a sequel to it’s one and only feature film by slamming the Material Opus. Moreover, Madonna’s latest album, American Life got the shaft from critics and fans. Wow. Even that one floored me. I mean, I’m not a huge fan, but I know the lady has some talent. Regardless, after shooting a controversial video which featured her dropping a grenade in the lap of a George Dubya lookalike, Madonna allowed the clip to be edited, and stated that the intended message was misconstrued amongst patriotic fervor during the Iraqi conflict. Y’know, I really wonder what kind of dictionary celebrities follow, because their comments and messages always seem to get misunderstood by the general public. Maybe Hollywood really does have a language of its own, because I sure as shit can’t imagine that 99% of the American public can get the same message wrong. Let’s also not forget the tepid Gap commercial with Missy Elliott. While there was nothing particularly offensive about the ad, there was also no point for it. It just seemed like a 45-second time killer with no real focus. Disagree with me? How come it’s only been a couple months, and the ad is nowhere to be seen anymore? Case closed. And let us not forget the “controversial” open-mouth kiss with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the MTV Video Music Awards. Y’know, if the only way you can generate publicity for yourself is to consistently spawn controversy, then you’d better reconsider labeling yourself an artist. When that happens, my internal B.S. Detector goes off, and it triggers a murderous churning of the stomach, which then manifests itself into the rants that you read. But truth be told, I’d rather a star be honest than provide me with blog fodder. I would much rather that I didn’t have to write these columns at all. Just for once I wish a celebrity would come out and openly admit, “Yes, I am insulting the intelligence of people everywhere.” Believe it or not, I’d gain more respect for them if they did. And right now, Madonna is sitting pretty atop the list of capital offenders. Soak it up, Material Hack, ‘cause it’s hard to get back on your feet after you’ve jumped over the Landshark as many times as you have.

So there you have it. My, this has been therapeutic. Think I’ll go treat myself to a Frosty at Wendy’s. In the meantime, you’d best get back to sleeping off your hangover you helpless drunk. For shame.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant New Year.

Ahh, music. Is there anything finer? Well, not if it’s done right. Here are the musical highlights of the ’03.

Top Ten Albums (in no particular order):
1 – Evanescence - Fallen
2 – Dream Theater - Train Of Thought
3 – Black Label Society - The Blessed Hellride
4 – Porch Ghouls - Bluff City Ruckus
5 – Jeff Beck - Jeff
6 – Johnny Cash - American IV: The Man Comes Around
7 – Jet - Get Born
8 – Shinedown - Leave A Whisper
9 – A Perfect Circle - Thirteenth Step
10 – Thursday - War All The Time

And now, ten artists whose new albums I am eagerly anticipating for the ’04:

Aerosmith
AC/DC
Black Label Society
Velvet Revolver
Damageplan
Soil
Godsmack
Dropbox
Rob Zombie
Monster Magnet

Vocalist of the Year – (three-way tie) Amy Lee of Evanescence, Maynard James Keenan of A Perfect Circle, and Brent Smith of Shinedown. Projected winner for ’04: Steven Tyler of Aersomith. Anything less would be uncivilized!

Guitarist of the Year – (tie) Zakk Wylde of Black Label Society and Ozzy Osbourne, and John Petrucci of Dream Theater. Projected winner for ’04: Another tie… Zakk again, and Dimebag Darrell of Damageplan.

Bassist of the Year – Jeordie White of A Perfect Circle. Projected winner for ’04: Too early to tell. Possibly Duff McKagan.

Drummer of the Year – Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater. Projected winner for ’04: Possibly Matt Sorum.

Dick of the Year – Fred Durst.

Hypocrite of the Year – Jason Newsted.

Moron of the Year – Ben Moody.

Lastly, Rest In Peace…

June Carter Cash
Johnny Cash
Howie Epstein
Michael Kamen
Maurice Gibb
Ty Longley
Herbie Mann
Robert Palmer
Noel Redding
Compay Segundo
Barry White
Warren Zevon

And now, stay tuned for the First Annual Jump the Landshark Awards!