The more I look at what’s going on out west, the more convinced I become of the theory that the entire L.A. County District Attorney’s Office must be suffering from one brutal case of collective brain cancer.

Because you’d have to be sans that many brain cells and smoking that much pot to drop the ball on so many brutally obvious celebrity convictions.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on in California? As if I weren’t already praying for its inevitable descent into the Pacific courtesy of the San Andreas Fault, I’m forced to watch justice perverted on a regular basis at the hands of inept prosecutors and muckraking scumbag defense attorneys.

Granted, I’ve got enough problems with the American legal system to begin with. And I’m talking well beyond the current cast of Law & Order. I think we have way to many legal loopholes that keep felons out of jail and convicts on death row. I also think the rules of evidence need to be restructured because too often, there are extenuating circumstances that require evidence be plucked from somewhere besides the area designated in a search warrant.

But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about how these dimwit prosecutors dropped the ball on Robert Blake, an obvious psychopath, and how they’re inevitably gonna drop the ball on Michael Jackson.

Yeah, I know, I lambasted him earlier this month. I still think the man is guilty. By that same token, I’m convinced that the prosecution is gonna do what it always does in Hollywood: they’re gonna build a case on a foundation of circumstantial evidence, fail to establish a clear motive, and glide through like they’ve got an easy win.

And you know what? They really should have an easy win. They should’ve had an easy win with Blake. And with O.J. And with John Landis. You get the idea.

Seriously, have you heard Blake since his win in the courtroom? If I were a juror for that case, the first thing to cross my mind when hearing his press conference would be, “holy shit, we just unleashed a madman into society.”

And it’s hardly the jury’s fault; they’re selected because they know nothing about the case to begin with. Another fatal flaw of our legal system, but I digress. It’s the duty of the prosecution and the defense to convince the jury that the defendant is either guilty or not. It just so happens that prosecutors in California haven’t been able to do this since Charles Manson.

Seriously, they let off John Landis in the Twilight Zone case. For those unfamiliar, this was a film adaptation of the popular Rod Serling TV show done in an episodic fashion, each segment with a different director. Long story short, there was a helicopter sequence in Landis’ portion of the film in which a pyrotechnic blast was overloaded, and it wound up taking the helicopter down, causing it to land on actor Vic Morrow and two child actors, killing all three. First off, Landis was in the wrong by having the two younger actors work late nights (child labor laws, folks). Secondly, he packed the explosion to the nines for a greater effect; an item he bragged about openly on the set. Now, I loved Animal House, but the guy is clearly guilty of negligence. Yet the prosecution failed to follow through on its intent to convict.

As I said, this is the same thing that happened with O.J. and Robert Blake. When it all adds up, odds are Mikey’s gonna get off. On kiddie porn. Then he’ll be acquitted of all charges. So it goes.

Maybe a lot of this has to do with the strength of your average celebrity attorney. These guys could sell you a Pinto and have you thinkin’ it’s a goddamn Beemer. I’d love to know what law school they attended to acquire such vile talents when it comes to manipulation, but I seriously think it’s time someone carpet bombed that institution. We got enough lowlife lawyers out there to begin with. Only difference is these guys are priced too high for anyone without a seven figure income.

Some of this rumination on my part may have been brought about by the passing of Johnnie Cochran. I heard about this on the radio tonight, and I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. I’m not a cold person when it comes to untimely deaths, but that is one guy that I will not miss, nor will I shed any tears for. I can’t respect a man who made his living—a robust one at that—by “unproving” the obvious guilt of so many piss-poor human beings. Honestly, did he ever do anything else worth note or merit? The man was a scumbag, plain and simple. He thrived on deception, diversion, subterfuge, and the overall softening of the human brain. God be with his family and friends, but quite frankly, the world’s a better place without him. End of story.

In the meantime, I seriously think it’s high time that California’s prosecutors up the ante and get aggressive when it comes to celebrity cases. These Goddamn cases are so high profile, so larger-than-life that when a clearly guilty celeb is acquitted, it makes our nation and our legal system look bad. I’ll never vindicate someone for their poor deeds just because they landed People Magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People List” (Jude Law, I’m lookin’ your way. I know about the illegal cable hookup. And the baby seal you clubbed. Your number’s up, chump). I look at them as I would any other felon when it’s clear they’ve done wrong. But in the eyes of the court, I do believe prosecutors should look at them differently. Don’t view them as just people, especially when it comes to heinous crimes. Go for the fuckin’ throat and don’t let up until they cry uncle or their bank account dies. Make an example of these pompous, cocky bastards for the rest of the lot.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.