Dunkin Donuts has gotta be the end-all be-all paradox of the universe.

Now, when it comes to vendors of caffeinated stimulants, most of my fellow man would be quick to go for Starbucks’s jugular. Now granted, I’m down with the whole anti-corporate thing anyway… and I could never justify paying $3.50 for a small cup of coffee. Be that as it may, Dunkin Donuts just boggles my mind from top to bottom, inside and out, and everywhere in between.

First off, in case you haven’t noticed, their coffee is nothing spectacular. I mean, it’s OK, but it’s not like I go on a massive killing spree if I don’t get my daily fix. It’s overly flavored, much too sweet at times, and just plain “eh” for the most part. And yet people literally go berserk for it. They stop in every morning for the first cup o’ the day, and they see no problem shelling out over $3 for a large cup. Folks, it’s coffee, not cabernet. If you’re paying anything over $1.69, you’re throwing your money away.

To boot, the people that work at Dunkin Donuts have got to be about as capable as a comatose amputee octogenarian with a colostomy bag. Yes, it really is that fuckin’ bad, don’t you dare deny it. When was the last time you walked into a Dunkin Donuts, ordered something, and walked out with exactly what you wanted? The ratio has gotta be about 30 percent, I believe.

In relaying this to a close friend, it was less than 24 hours after our conversation that the Dunkin Donuts customer service curse touched her life. Take it away, Jules:

"I just wanted to share my unpleasant Dunkin’ Donuts experience with you this morning. This is the second time that this has happened to me. My typical order (which I treat myself to once or twice a week) is a small, iced vanilla latte with soy milk and a toasted whole wheat bagel with strawberry jam (the healthiest you can get). Not only was I overcharged (not the first time) and the cashier wouldn’t adjust the price, but I was given strawberry cream cheese instead of strawberry jam. I had to resort to the same measure I took the first time it happened – I had to take a handful of napkins and pull several globs of cream cheese off before I could even eat it. And not all DD locations have soy milk, which is why I must make absolute last resorts to Starbucks, other trendy places, or a sidewalk vendor (who usually doesn’t have it either, and in that case a small dribble of skim milk is added)."

Folks, tell me you haven’t had this experience before, or something akin to it. I can count at least 12 times in the last year that I have been overcharged at this establishment.

And I still go back! We all do, not a one of us is innocent on this course, ladies and gentlemen. What is it about this franchise that compels us, as if we were lambs of the slaughter, to waste twenty minutes every morning in line at the drive-through (I refused to write “thru.” Ever), arguing with the cashier over what we ordered and how much we were charged?

Fuck Stonehenge, this is the real mystery of a lifetime.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.