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8/14/2007

It’s no secret that the topic of steroids in sports has become scalding hot in the media these last two months. Between Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record and Chris Benoit’s savage double murder/suicide, there is clearly a lot of debate. People want answers and are going so far as congressional hearings to get them. Rightfully so. Steroids in professional sports or even sports entertainment is a dire matter for the athletes and the impression they leave.

It’s also a pretty dire matter in the realm of standup comedy.

I wish I were joking.

Let me set the stage for you. This past Saturday night, after a fun evening of antics and high jinks, I felt compelled to pop in on my local gas station, not to fill up, but to grab an impulse purchase snack to satiate those early AM munchies. Grabbing a Snickers bar, I waited in line at the register. Idly turning around in observance of my surroundings, I happened to notice this man.

I’m not making this up. Carrot Top was in my local gas station convenience store. My first thought?

Jesus H. tittyfucking Christ, what have we done? What hell hath the Lord wrought on us all? Is there even a God that could create such a monstrosity as this?

It should be duly noted that Carrot Top was wearing a top not of the carrot variety, but of the tank family. As in the type that doesn’t have any sleeves.

In short, I was a few spools of cotton away from this image.

Dude, steroids are bad in professional sports, but they’re even more devastating in comedy. If Shaun White is the “Flying Tomato,” then Carrot Top is the “Juicy Tomato.” As in, he be juicing. And I know, carrots are vegetables and tomatoes are fruits, but his material onstage is fruity enough as it is. So he qualifies.

He could also qualify for Mr. Olympia. He’s bigger than me. Bigger than the picture I just offered. I don’t know how else I can get across how terrifying it was to see this man in person. He wasn’t right to begin with. But now… egads.

Steroids are evil. Just like prop comedy. Carrot Top is immersed in both. He is the lord of all that is unholy and wrong.

I need someone to hold me. Please tell me everything will be OK.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Maybe.