3/08/2004
3/07/2004
OK, I need a word with my friends right about now.
You guys need some motherlovin’ creativity, alright? What am I talking about? Glad you asked.
I just checked every one of my friends away messages on AIM, and sure enough, not only am I much more of an early riser than the rest of you, but there are at least three of yous guys whose message consist of nothing more than “zzzzz” or some variation thereof.
I know it’s easy to just hold down one key for about two seconds, but come on! Get fuckin’ original! I don’t check your away messages to know where you are, I wanna be entertained, hot dammit!
Look, let me give you some examples to work off of… here’s my favorite “sleep” messages:
I’m hard at work (translation: sleeping).
One dream that’s bound to come true: morning wood.
I’m in bed, having sweet dreams about your mom.
You have your assignment. Class dismissed.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
You guys need some motherlovin’ creativity, alright? What am I talking about? Glad you asked.
I just checked every one of my friends away messages on AIM, and sure enough, not only am I much more of an early riser than the rest of you, but there are at least three of yous guys whose message consist of nothing more than “zzzzz” or some variation thereof.
I know it’s easy to just hold down one key for about two seconds, but come on! Get fuckin’ original! I don’t check your away messages to know where you are, I wanna be entertained, hot dammit!
Look, let me give you some examples to work off of… here’s my favorite “sleep” messages:
I’m hard at work (translation: sleeping).
One dream that’s bound to come true: morning wood.
I’m in bed, having sweet dreams about your mom.
You have your assignment. Class dismissed.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
3/06/2004
Lemme tell you about Steve. Scuba Steve, that is. Steve and I used to work together, and every time he'd come into work, I'd greet him with a big ol' "Hey Steve!" When we weren't dropping ice down Maggie's bra/panties, we would chat about flicks, games, music, muzak, women, Homestar Runner, and the world in general.
Over the course of, oh I don't know, let's say about six month, Steve and I became pretty good friends. He's still my dog. In fact, I seem to have influenced the lad, for he has gone so far as to follow in the footsteps of my beloved Landshark and give birth to his own blog.
It is with that in mind that I give him the most shameless of all plugs. Go for a swim in the Scuba Tank right now.
No, not later. Now. You heard me right. Go there right the fuck right now. Or I club this here baby seal. You want baby seal blood on your hands? No? Then go swim in the Scuba Tank immediately. That simple.
Goodnight, and have a Scubariffic tomorrow.
Over the course of, oh I don't know, let's say about six month, Steve and I became pretty good friends. He's still my dog. In fact, I seem to have influenced the lad, for he has gone so far as to follow in the footsteps of my beloved Landshark and give birth to his own blog.
It is with that in mind that I give him the most shameless of all plugs. Go for a swim in the Scuba Tank right now.
No, not later. Now. You heard me right. Go there right the fuck right now. Or I club this here baby seal. You want baby seal blood on your hands? No? Then go swim in the Scuba Tank immediately. That simple.
Goodnight, and have a Scubariffic tomorrow.
3/04/2004
OK, let's review what I said back in December of '02.
Now compare that with what the pros seem to think.
Not bad. Not bad at all, son.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Now compare that with what the pros seem to think.
Not bad. Not bad at all, son.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
3/03/2004
OK, picture this scenario…
You’re at your favorite pizza joint/deli/ice cream parlor/café. You go in already knowing exactly what you want, so you go up to the counter and place your order. The cashier takes your order, you pay up, and notice a small plastic cup or jar for tips. You make a mental note to drop some spare silver in afterwards, provided you have a pleasant consumer experience.
So then, this simpleton of a cashier hands you your slice/sandwich/cone/latte, and you immediately realize that something is amiss. Something is dreadfully amiss.
You’ve been given pepperoni instead of sausage.
You’ve got tuna salad when you wanted roast turkey.
You’ve been shorted one scoop.
You’re handed a tall cup instead of the grande you desired so dearly.
You are now a dissatisfied customer.
So naturally, you explain your situation to the cashier, and this two-bit-Rivers-Cuomo-lookalike-Emo-loving-motherfucker scratches his scruffy head, mutters something unintelligible, then calls over one of his cohorts to hold an impromptu sidebar, focus of which being, “what do we do now?”
Clusterfuck!
I swear, sometimes you wonder if job applications at these types of outlets have boxes that read, “must be completely inept when it comes to dealing with customer complaints.” My man Angelo Tsarouchas said it best. “You know the main qualification you need to work at a McDonald’s? A pulse.”
So here you are, holding up a line that would rival Space Mountain in terms of the number of heads waiting to get in, arms crossed, tapping your foot impatiently, eyes rolling like Jell-O bowling balls, a scowl of pure annoyance etched on your visage.
In the midst of this peon convention, your attention slips back to that tip jar. You remember the promise you made to yourself earlier, and decide (with good reason) that your change would be better spent on the homeless veteran with the limp and empty coffee cup panhandling down the block.
I have a radical idea for situations like this. Now, before you jump all over my ass, let me remind you that I’ve spent several years working as a waiter, so I am fully familiar with the tipping concept. Spare me your slings and arrows.
I think that in cases such as these, you, the consumer, the person who is essentially paying this cretin’s wages, should be allowed to deduct a small sum from said tip jar. I really do. See, I believe in good service, always have, always will. I believe in rewarding good service. However, if poor service is performed, I see no harm in some light punishment. Think about it. We reward these people for good service, why can’t we punish them for bad service? Besides, you have now wasted an adequate amount of time and money on a transaction that has left a bad taste in your mouth. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, dollar for a dollar, end of story.
Man, does this nation need me to run for office or what?
Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
You’re at your favorite pizza joint/deli/ice cream parlor/café. You go in already knowing exactly what you want, so you go up to the counter and place your order. The cashier takes your order, you pay up, and notice a small plastic cup or jar for tips. You make a mental note to drop some spare silver in afterwards, provided you have a pleasant consumer experience.
So then, this simpleton of a cashier hands you your slice/sandwich/cone/latte, and you immediately realize that something is amiss. Something is dreadfully amiss.
You’ve been given pepperoni instead of sausage.
You’ve got tuna salad when you wanted roast turkey.
You’ve been shorted one scoop.
You’re handed a tall cup instead of the grande you desired so dearly.
You are now a dissatisfied customer.
So naturally, you explain your situation to the cashier, and this two-bit-Rivers-Cuomo-lookalike-Emo-loving-motherfucker scratches his scruffy head, mutters something unintelligible, then calls over one of his cohorts to hold an impromptu sidebar, focus of which being, “what do we do now?”
Clusterfuck!
I swear, sometimes you wonder if job applications at these types of outlets have boxes that read, “must be completely inept when it comes to dealing with customer complaints.” My man Angelo Tsarouchas said it best. “You know the main qualification you need to work at a McDonald’s? A pulse.”
So here you are, holding up a line that would rival Space Mountain in terms of the number of heads waiting to get in, arms crossed, tapping your foot impatiently, eyes rolling like Jell-O bowling balls, a scowl of pure annoyance etched on your visage.
In the midst of this peon convention, your attention slips back to that tip jar. You remember the promise you made to yourself earlier, and decide (with good reason) that your change would be better spent on the homeless veteran with the limp and empty coffee cup panhandling down the block.
I have a radical idea for situations like this. Now, before you jump all over my ass, let me remind you that I’ve spent several years working as a waiter, so I am fully familiar with the tipping concept. Spare me your slings and arrows.
I think that in cases such as these, you, the consumer, the person who is essentially paying this cretin’s wages, should be allowed to deduct a small sum from said tip jar. I really do. See, I believe in good service, always have, always will. I believe in rewarding good service. However, if poor service is performed, I see no harm in some light punishment. Think about it. We reward these people for good service, why can’t we punish them for bad service? Besides, you have now wasted an adequate amount of time and money on a transaction that has left a bad taste in your mouth. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, dollar for a dollar, end of story.
Man, does this nation need me to run for office or what?
Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
3/01/2004
To quote the man they banned, "it’s just wrong."
I’ve ranted on Clear Channel before. I do not like the organization. I loathe that which they stand for, and I’m absolutely livid that they have allowed the Neo Nazis at the FCC to put their balls in such a lethal fuckin’ vice grip.
Been under a rock? Lemme bring you up to speed. Howard Stern has been suspended (indefinitely) from Clear Channel. A total of six Clear Channel stations carry Stern nationwide, Miami, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Rochester, Orlando, and San Diego no longer wake up to the King of all Media. It may only be six stations, but those are huge markets. And Clear Channel’s reasoning is about as faulty as the entire corporation.
Believe me, that is faulty.
And the blame should not go entirely to Clear Channel or the FCC. We also need to turn an angry eye to one Ms. Janet Jackson. See, Janet’s little stunt at the Super Bowl Halftime show gave the FCC just what they’ve craved for many, many years. A loaded rifle filled with an infinite supply of borderline-fascist ammunition. Now they have they’ve reserved the right to put a big censorship stamp on anything they see fit.
See, the FCC has had it in for Howard and the gang since he made a name for himself. He broke new ground on several levels, albeit through controversial means. But they have never had the brass to deal him any sort of rock solid blow due to the overwhelming amount of support he has from listeners that hail from all walks of life.
But now they have. Six stations may not be a lot, but it’s enough to set some ugly new precedents. The broadcast in question was nothing out of the ordinary for Howard and the gang. It’s the same show he’s been putting on for the last twenty some-odd years.
I would like to say that this ridiculous ban will lead to people boycotting Clear Channel, selling their stock, and voting for John Kerry. But I realize that is probably not likely. Sad as I am to admit it, Howard is licked on this one.
But here are the things to remember, whether you like Howard Stern or detest him:
1. Clear Channel are hypocrites. They were so hot to promote Bubba the Love Sponge in New England that they actually pulled Dee Snider from the air, simply because his program wasn’t “racy enough” to compete with Stern. Now they’ve fired Bubba for the same reason they tried to make him the next Stern. They are at the mercy of the FCC, sure, but they are also quick to verbally slam their former prodigy and the most famous DJ ever.
2. The FCC are Nazis, plain and simple. And with a Texas Cowboy in the White House, they are more dangerous than ever, because now he’ll give them full backing under the heading of “decency,” even if it infringes on the First Amendment.
3. Janet Jackson is an idiot, and her upcoming album deserves to tank. Her desperate attempt at publicity and shameless self promotion in front of a nationwide audience has unleashed a dangerous domino effect that has subsequently given the FCC free reign. So not only is she fucked, we’re all fucked. Janet and MTV are the ones that deserve to pay, not Howard Stern
4. Howard Stern, for better or for worse as a human, is the sacrificial lamb for the FCC Gods. They want to make an example out of him, and are willing to levy heavy fines on Clear Channel if they do not comply.
5. Most importantly, we are human beings. We should be subject to logic and common sense. If something crosses our ears that we do not want to hear, we have the right to ignore it, or, surprisingly enough, turn that little knob a little to the left or a little to the right, thereby altering the frequency, and shutting out the “dirty noise.” It’s called freedom of motherfuckin’ choice, period. We all have it. Those of us who do not choose to exercise it are nothing more than worthless lemmings who want the Government to run our lives for us. I’m sorry, but that’s just not my game. Grow up, get off your high horse, and change the goddamned station.
6. You cannot amend an amendment. Like Howard said, “in America we have freedom of speech. Just be careful what you say.”
But hey, I’m just one man. Maybe I’m out of line. After all, "spontaneity, creativity, and honesty are dangerous things, people shouldn't be exposed to them."
So speaketh Howard Stern.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
I’ve ranted on Clear Channel before. I do not like the organization. I loathe that which they stand for, and I’m absolutely livid that they have allowed the Neo Nazis at the FCC to put their balls in such a lethal fuckin’ vice grip.
Been under a rock? Lemme bring you up to speed. Howard Stern has been suspended (indefinitely) from Clear Channel. A total of six Clear Channel stations carry Stern nationwide, Miami, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Rochester, Orlando, and San Diego no longer wake up to the King of all Media. It may only be six stations, but those are huge markets. And Clear Channel’s reasoning is about as faulty as the entire corporation.
Believe me, that is faulty.
And the blame should not go entirely to Clear Channel or the FCC. We also need to turn an angry eye to one Ms. Janet Jackson. See, Janet’s little stunt at the Super Bowl Halftime show gave the FCC just what they’ve craved for many, many years. A loaded rifle filled with an infinite supply of borderline-fascist ammunition. Now they have they’ve reserved the right to put a big censorship stamp on anything they see fit.
See, the FCC has had it in for Howard and the gang since he made a name for himself. He broke new ground on several levels, albeit through controversial means. But they have never had the brass to deal him any sort of rock solid blow due to the overwhelming amount of support he has from listeners that hail from all walks of life.
But now they have. Six stations may not be a lot, but it’s enough to set some ugly new precedents. The broadcast in question was nothing out of the ordinary for Howard and the gang. It’s the same show he’s been putting on for the last twenty some-odd years.
I would like to say that this ridiculous ban will lead to people boycotting Clear Channel, selling their stock, and voting for John Kerry. But I realize that is probably not likely. Sad as I am to admit it, Howard is licked on this one.
But here are the things to remember, whether you like Howard Stern or detest him:
1. Clear Channel are hypocrites. They were so hot to promote Bubba the Love Sponge in New England that they actually pulled Dee Snider from the air, simply because his program wasn’t “racy enough” to compete with Stern. Now they’ve fired Bubba for the same reason they tried to make him the next Stern. They are at the mercy of the FCC, sure, but they are also quick to verbally slam their former prodigy and the most famous DJ ever.
2. The FCC are Nazis, plain and simple. And with a Texas Cowboy in the White House, they are more dangerous than ever, because now he’ll give them full backing under the heading of “decency,” even if it infringes on the First Amendment.
3. Janet Jackson is an idiot, and her upcoming album deserves to tank. Her desperate attempt at publicity and shameless self promotion in front of a nationwide audience has unleashed a dangerous domino effect that has subsequently given the FCC free reign. So not only is she fucked, we’re all fucked. Janet and MTV are the ones that deserve to pay, not Howard Stern
4. Howard Stern, for better or for worse as a human, is the sacrificial lamb for the FCC Gods. They want to make an example out of him, and are willing to levy heavy fines on Clear Channel if they do not comply.
5. Most importantly, we are human beings. We should be subject to logic and common sense. If something crosses our ears that we do not want to hear, we have the right to ignore it, or, surprisingly enough, turn that little knob a little to the left or a little to the right, thereby altering the frequency, and shutting out the “dirty noise.” It’s called freedom of motherfuckin’ choice, period. We all have it. Those of us who do not choose to exercise it are nothing more than worthless lemmings who want the Government to run our lives for us. I’m sorry, but that’s just not my game. Grow up, get off your high horse, and change the goddamned station.
6. You cannot amend an amendment. Like Howard said, “in America we have freedom of speech. Just be careful what you say.”
But hey, I’m just one man. Maybe I’m out of line. After all, "spontaneity, creativity, and honesty are dangerous things, people shouldn't be exposed to them."
So speaketh Howard Stern.
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
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