OK, picture this scenario…

You’re at your favorite pizza joint/deli/ice cream parlor/café. You go in already knowing exactly what you want, so you go up to the counter and place your order. The cashier takes your order, you pay up, and notice a small plastic cup or jar for tips. You make a mental note to drop some spare silver in afterwards, provided you have a pleasant consumer experience.

So then, this simpleton of a cashier hands you your slice/sandwich/cone/latte, and you immediately realize that something is amiss. Something is dreadfully amiss.

You’ve been given pepperoni instead of sausage.

You’ve got tuna salad when you wanted roast turkey.

You’ve been shorted one scoop.

You’re handed a tall cup instead of the grande you desired so dearly.

You are now a dissatisfied customer.

So naturally, you explain your situation to the cashier, and this two-bit-Rivers-Cuomo-lookalike-Emo-loving-motherfucker scratches his scruffy head, mutters something unintelligible, then calls over one of his cohorts to hold an impromptu sidebar, focus of which being, “what do we do now?”

Clusterfuck!

I swear, sometimes you wonder if job applications at these types of outlets have boxes that read, “must be completely inept when it comes to dealing with customer complaints.” My man Angelo Tsarouchas said it best. “You know the main qualification you need to work at a McDonald’s? A pulse.”

So here you are, holding up a line that would rival Space Mountain in terms of the number of heads waiting to get in, arms crossed, tapping your foot impatiently, eyes rolling like Jell-O bowling balls, a scowl of pure annoyance etched on your visage.

In the midst of this peon convention, your attention slips back to that tip jar. You remember the promise you made to yourself earlier, and decide (with good reason) that your change would be better spent on the homeless veteran with the limp and empty coffee cup panhandling down the block.

I have a radical idea for situations like this. Now, before you jump all over my ass, let me remind you that I’ve spent several years working as a waiter, so I am fully familiar with the tipping concept. Spare me your slings and arrows.

I think that in cases such as these, you, the consumer, the person who is essentially paying this cretin’s wages, should be allowed to deduct a small sum from said tip jar. I really do. See, I believe in good service, always have, always will. I believe in rewarding good service. However, if poor service is performed, I see no harm in some light punishment. Think about it. We reward these people for good service, why can’t we punish them for bad service? Besides, you have now wasted an adequate amount of time and money on a transaction that has left a bad taste in your mouth. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, dollar for a dollar, end of story.

Man, does this nation need me to run for office or what?

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.