So it’s been awhile since I’ve graced you with my presence. What can I say? It’s a busy life, y’know? Wake up, eat, work out, bathe, work, study, poop, class, poop again, leave class while pooping, drive home, hold Viking Funeral for the goldfish, watch the latest installment of "Strong Bad's E-mail," sleep, poop, wake up, clean the bed, repeat process one more time with feeling.

So… what’s been new since my hiatus? Well, I finally found the pants that I wasn’t wearing, America is restructuring Iraq (I smell Iraqi Girls Gone Wild), geared up for Phoenix this summer (if anyone knows where to get hot rock massages in Arizona, make no haste in telling me), Matthias and I are booked up for Ozzfest and Lollapalooza, I’m booked solely for Aerosmith and Kiss, might be going to Bon Jovi, Metallica is cooler than shit again, everything seems good in the world. What else has been going on? Or going down? Or going around? Besides SARS… ah, yes…

The Dixie Chicks.

Y’know, it never fails to astound me how obnoxious and ignorant musicians can be at times. Now I know, in one of my last posts I wrote that no one deserves to be blackballed or censored, and I stand by that. I’m not necessarily cool with the fact that these chicks have been shit-hammered as much as they have been.

However… I believe that there’s something to be said for discretion, something the lead singer severely lacked in her comments about our Commander-in-Chief.

Now you’ll have to bear with me, I don’t care enough about the Dixie Chicks to know their real names, nor would I give them the satisfaction to begin with. So what’s say we develop supercool aliases for them using the ever-popular “Spice Girl Nomenclature System.”

The tiny lead singer with the worthless opinions will from here on in be known as “Pygmy Chick.”

The brunette who was pregnant in the video for that horrible Stevie Nicks cover can be known as “Barefoot Chick.”

And the blonde one that no one cares about who plays the mandolin will be known as “Skullfucker Chick.” Just because “Mandolin Chick” is a little too obvious.

So, Pygmy’s comments. This seems to be the central issue here. Now I understand that you’re from Texas, Pygmy. Guess what, so is Whale Nicole Smith. Do you see her spouting off political opinions left and right? Granted, Whale Nicole is far too doped up on vicodin, percosets, valium, NyQuil, Elmer’s glue, hog fat, Ben & Jerry’s, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, McRib sandwiches, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and human flesh to really be coherent enough to develop such detailed opinions, let alone offer them.

Anyway, point is, point is that Whale Nicole Smith may be from Texas, but that does not necessarily make her a representative from that state. Likewise, Pygmy, Barefoot and Skullfucker aren’t representatives, either. I’m sure they’re proud of their Texan heritage, as most Texans are. Hell, just ask the Von Erichs… if you can find a living one. Nevertheless, pride does not mean that they speak for all of their fellow state-dwellers. To quote the almighty Larry Flynt, “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.” Turns out that a lot of people who like to openly flaunt their opinions are assholes to begin with.

Now yeah, I’m biased. Celebrities piss me off. For every Bono, Steven Tyler or Danny Glover, there’s a Sean Penn, Sheryl Crow or Susan Sarandon out there trying to pose as a concerned American citizen with an opinion that really holds water with the public. Spare me, won’t you? There are proper forums to express your opinions. Concerts, music videos and award shows are not these forums (Eddie Vedder, Madonna, Michael Moore, I hope you’re listening). These people think that because they make six figures per day, they can influence other peoples’ opinions. Guess what, doesn’t work that way. Susan Sarandon comes out and says she wants to see some concrete evidence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. I say Susan Sarandon needs to show me something that makes her a qualified commentator. Stick to your faggoty Banger Sisters and Thelma & Louise chick flicks and go back to amputating Tim Robbins’ spine and testicles. Don’t put on the “Saint Academy Award Winner” hat and try to play holier than thou with me or anyone else. You’re a celebrity, you’re pampered, you don’t live like 85% of the American population, therefore you’ve no right to tell us how to feel. This country engages in one erroneous war in which we had no business (Vietnam), and suddenly every celebrity thinks they can pull a Hanoi Jane without any backlash.

Sorry, that was a little tangential, but Sarandon pisses me off. I want to start a protest march outside her house with signs reading “No Blood For Sarandon.” Back to the Dixie Females.

So, Pygmy’s comments may have been honest from her point of view, and I’ll give her credit for having the balls (or being stupid enough) to express them so openly in an interview. But like I said, there’s something to be said for discretion. No one is bulletproof except for Superman, and bottom line is that the public controls your fate when you’re a celebrity. You have to know when not to say something political. Guys like Bono and Tom Morello can get away with that because they know what they’re talking about, and a good percentage of their respective fan bases have opinions that coincide with theirs, largely because of the nature of the music they generate. Pygmy fronts a three-piece female pop-country group that sings about being moms and weddings. Something tells me she’s not exactly the most qualified political commentator. Save it for the pros, honey.

Having said that, I do think that Pygmy’s comments were out of line. Straight out of line. I don’t need a reason why I should justify my ways. Damn, I love that song. Sorry for the tangential departures, but it’s been awhile. Since I could hold my head up high. And it’s been awhile… Crap. OK, back to the topic at hand, Pygmy was pretty stupid to say what she said, can we agree on that? If not, too bad, it’s true. Still, I’m not all for blackballing, censorship, or any of that. So even though I loathe their music and was happy that decreased airplay was a byproduct of said boycott, I don’t agree with the reasoning. I would never send death threats to Barefoot’s house because Pygmy was stupid. I would send death threats to Barefoot’s house because she, Pygmy and Skullfucker won’t stop making bad music.

Regardless, crushing CDs, sending death threats and mail bombs, banning airplay, protesting concerts, that does nothing than give these people more publicity than they deserve. I don’t wanna see these girls on the CNN.com homepage when I check the news in the morning. I don’t wanna see them in an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer. And I certainly don’t wanna see them nude.

You know, if I realized boycotting celebrities led to nude photo shoots, I would’ve started a boycott against Punky Brewster reruns just to get a glimpse of Soleil Moon Frye in the flesh. Gad, she got hot. I feel dirty now. Must bathe… hold, please.

Alright, now that I’m pantless, let’s get back to work. I first saw this horrid visual image on CNN.com. Not the clearest image to be certain. And then I saw it in the local CVS. My hwang crawled inside my body and tried to hide. Which is why, now sitting here pantless, I am in mourning for my frightened hwang. And even if Thor resurfaces, I’m worried he will no longer be able to wield the power of mighty Mjolnir.

That’s right Dixie Cunts. In trying to make yourself look like serious, sensitive, legitimate artists, you may have slaughtered my sex drive forever. I may never get a hard-on again.

You thought you got a shit ton of death threats before, just wait.

Goodnight, and with the exception of Pygmy, Barefoot and Skullfucker, have a pleasant tomorrow.