Y’know, it would figure that just as I put up a post regarding reality shows, a new travesty emerges.

I’ll admit, I’m slightly perturbed since, in my recent post regarding said reality programming, I elaborated that I didn’t mind these talent shows (again, for reference/posterity, I’m talking American Idol and Star Search). To summarize my reasoning for this tolerance, I do believe that there are some people with genuine talent on these shows, and furthermore, they do not go to the ridiculously embarrassing lengths of these other more extreme programs.

To put it simply, they’re innocent fun for the most part.

However, the producers of Idol recently dealt a severe black eye to television and a major thumb of the nose to the intelligence of television audiences.

I’m talking American Juniors.

Folks, what are we doing? Why are we watching this and making these substandard excuses for human beings richer? Why? When will this nation cumulatively wake up and make a breakaway from the “cult of reality?”

Now granted, I haven’t watched any of these shows, so you’re liable to label me a hypocrite for lambasting the program without having actually viewed it. I’ll address my reasons for boycotting in a moment. Let’s get to my justifiable disdain first.

I’m sure some of these kids are talented. Hell, I’m sure many of them could, in the future, land major recording deals and become the next ubiquitous R&B diva. Good for them. They’ve been blessed with impressive talents and I say the parents should nurture those talents, not exploit them.

How many E! True Hollywood Stories will we have to endure before we realize that kids and show business just do not mix. C’mon people, you’ve seen the trend time and time again and yet you keep buying into it like hungry lambs. What is your major malfunction? Do you enjoy watching children being scarred for life, traumatized and doomed to an abnormal existence? Hell, why don’t you just buy a weekend package to the Neverland Valley Ranch and bring a digital video camera while you’re at it? Why don’t you hold a private viewing audience with Gary Glitter and Phil Giordano if you’re that anxious to watch children’s lives being systematically destroyed?

How many child actors actually come out of the business unscathed? For every Ron Howard or Kurt Russell, there’s dozens of Macauly Culkin’s, Jay North’s, Corey Haim’s, Danny Bonaduce’s, Leif Garrett’s, Corey Feldman’s, and the collective casts of Our Gang and Dif’rent Strokes. It’s far from a balanced scale, and you’re not helping matters. Ten’ll get you one that the Olsen Twins revert to porn when they hit the big 1-8. There’s even a website on the ‘Net counting down the days until said birthday. Cute li’l Haley Joel Osment is likely to develop a major heroin addiction and a penchant for transsexual hookers. And Frankie Muniz and Hillary Duff? Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen for the new millennium. Oh, you know it’s true. And that’s why you watch like a pack of insatiable jackals, just waiting for the next li’l kid to bottom out.

Shame on you.

Shame on you for only adding to the pain these kids already have thanks to their overbearing parents. We’ve all seen the commercial for Juniors with the maniacal Stage Mother. Guess what? That poor kid has to deal with that everyday of her life until she makes it big or dies trying. Meanwhile everyone else her age is playing Yu-Gi-Oh! and going on bike rides. Missing out on much?

Parents, if you even consider tossing your kid headfirst into show business, you oughta lose your parental privileges. As far as I’m concerned, being a Hollywood Mom or Dad is the equivalent to beating your kid on a nightly basis or engaging in some disgusting form of molestation. If you wanna nurture your kid’s talents, encourage him or her to practice daily. Praise them when they do well, support them when they struggle. Push them to go above and beyond, but don’t pull them into the 24K Cesspool we call Hollywood. Don’t live vicariously through them, just be proud of them for what they are, and a little proud of yourself knowing that you had just a small role in creating that talented little human. You give your children a great life and they will return it to you in spades.

Need proof that Hollywood Parents breed messed up kids? Go ahead and set your VCR the next time VH1’s Driven tackles either Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. Just look at how emphatic their mothers were about their daughters’ careers, and then look at the end result. Then listen to the moms talk about how “proud” they are of their little girls. They’re not proud, they’re happy that they’re not gonna have to work for a few years and can live off of royalties since the clause in their daughters’ contracts names them as sole beneficiaries of all profits. I watch this and then wonder how people can ask me why I think some people deserve to die. Still not convinced? Then I got two words for ya, Jack:

Michael Jackson.

Look at how being a major child celebrity benefited that guy and made him a better person. Then look at your little seven-year-old playing the piano, or your eleven-year-old singing prodigy. Ask yourself if you want that same future for them. If you’ve got any morals whatsoever, you’ll make the right decision.

So that’s the root of my American Juniors abstinence. It’s a matter of principle. Out of morality and common decency, I cannot bring myself to watch this show knowing that it’s liable to ruin some very young lives. When you get older, you make your bed, you sleep in it. If you make the dumb-ass decision to go on a reality program and broadcast your personal life to the masses, then it’s your own damn fault, and you should be a big enough person to deal with the consequences. If you can’t, too bad. You should’ve brought a cup before you ran out to the gridiron. But when you’re a kid, decision-making isn’t a major concern, and you don’t always know what’s best for you. That’s one of the reasons we have parents, but alas, parents are human like the rest of us, and henceforth can be deemed imperfect. Some are more imperfect than others, and might be liable to make severely flawed decisions that affect them and their loved ones, and I do believe that encouraging their kids to go into show business is one of those ill-fated decisions.

If you’ve ever seen VH1’s special Bubblegum Babylon, you’d be familiar with the story of The Partridge Family’s David Cassidy and his daughter Katie. If you’re not, allow me to summarize: Katie, at the age of 15 or 16, signed a recording contract much to the dismay of her quasi-estranged father. David, who it should be noted did not live with his daughter and wasn’t always around to care for her, had wanted her to hold off on any decisions of a show business-related nature until she was at least 18. While Keith Partridge might not be the best dad on the whole, I applaud David for his stance. He knows what it’s like firsthand, and you’d think that Katie’s mom would take that to heart. Of course, her reasons for pushing Katie are probably connected to her reasons for sleeping with David in the first place. She feels she leads a hollow, empty life and thirsts to get just a lick from the sugar cube called “Fame.” It’s funny to know that after all the shit David Cassidy’s done, he still turned out to be the more moral of the two.

Folks, I’d like to invite you in a mass boycott of American Juniors. If human life and morals mean anything to you, you’ll join our side. That way, when our Judgment Day comes and we gotta get rated, we can take solace in knowing that we’ll be riding the escalator going up while the creators, producers, and parents hop on board the one-way express elevator to the underworld. At the end of it all, we can smile, breathe a sigh of relief and say, “that’s one more for the good guys.”

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.