So we’re onto two years, huh? Two honkin’ years I’ve been swimming these dreaded Landshark-infested waters. Wow. That’s longer than most of my relationships. That’s longer than the lifespan of some babies. In third worl—I’m sorry. Developing countries.

Well, I wish I could say I have something special planned, but, the truth is, I really don’t. It has been a brutal couple of months for me, although to be perfectly honest, it’s not fair of me to bitch about my world-class troubles to you folks.

I would much prefer to bitch about far more petty things.

That being said, there is something I would like to touch on. We rely on a lot of proverbs in our society, but many of them are untrue or simply don’t make sense. For example…

“A rolling stone gathers no moss.” Well what if it rolls through a very mossy valley? Wouldn’t it gather a little moss then?

“Don’t spit/piss in the wind.” Somehow, spitting and pissing got lumped together in the same basic action simply because they’re both bodily fluids. Well I’m sorry, but I don’t concur with said categorization. You never hear about someone being spat off. No guy ever claims that someone pissed in his face. Weird. Anyway, the assumption here is that the gust of wind will cause the spit/piss to blow back toward you, thereby soiling your person. But what if you make an attempt at testing the wind direction? Y’know, stick your finger in your mouth and hold your hand upward. If the wind is blowing to the northeast, point your lips/shlong to the northeast and unleash the fury. Odds are you’ll get some extra mileage out of the release.

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” First off, this makes no sense at all. There’s no real logic behind it. How can one bird be worth more than two birds? If you have one apple in your hand, unless it’s really, really big, it’s not going to be worth more than two apples on a tree. This one needs to be scrapped.

“A man is known by the company he keeps.” What if he’s known by his sixth finger? I bet you wouldn’t care about the company he keeps then.

“A stitch in time saves nine.” How do you stitch time? Time is not a tangible fabric. And why nine? What is so important about nine stitches? You know what this one ought to say? “A stitch in your gash prevents some excessive blood loss, but nine stitches will prevent more.”

“A man’s home is his castle.” Unless his home is a cardboard box.

“All is fair in love and war.” Well that’s good to know. Next time a girl breaks my heart, I’ll stab her with a bayonet. Hey, if it’s fair in war, what’s the problem, judge?

“Barking dogs seldom bite.” Does that include dogs that are rabid? I mean, I don’t know how accurate Cujo was, but I’d assume that rabid dogs bark and bite on pretty equal scales.

“Better to die with honor than live with shame.” This is stupid. I’d rather live than die, period. Whoever came up with this was obviously suicidal, hence it needs to be scrapped entirely.

“Crime does not pay.” Unless you get away with it, right O.J.?

“Cleanliness is next to godliness.” I bet Jesus would really take offense to this. Think about it; He lived, for the most part, in filth and poverty, and hung out with fishermen and prostitutes. I’m sure they all enjoyed a good scrubbing as much as the next concubine, but rarely had the opportunity to do so. But that didn’t stop J.C. from hangin’ with ‘em. But I guess that’s the kind of cat He was. Class act, we need more people like Him.

“Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched.” Whoever came up with this one must’ve owned a farm near Chernobyl. Because unless you get a lotta mutant chickens with multiple heads, you can pretty damn well count the number of chickens you can expect before the break the shell.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.” Well what if it’s a picture of a chair? Or a wall? Or just some grass? How many words is it worth then? Honestly, how many words could you generate from a picture of a chair? “Um… sit… um… legs, err… wood… um… how many do I have to go? Shit.”

“Great minds think alike.” Well not always. Theoretically, Hitler and Einstein were great minds. I highly doubt they thought alike.

“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” It sounds like good advice, but then they nail ya with “He who hesitates is lost.” Well if I don’t hesitate, then I must be rushing in. But then I go where angels fear to tread. So I must hesitate. But then I’m lost. I’m so torn. What do I do? Maybe I shouldn’t hesitate or rush, maybe I’ll just walk. Unless it’s over thin ice. Then I have to tread lightly. God, there are so many rules. That Superman is a prick, he gets to fly wherever he pleases. I have to choose from options, none of which are appealing.

“Life is just a bowl of cherries.” Except when you’re getting boned by the company.

“Many hands make light work.” Well what if the many hands belong to many midgets? I don’t think they’ll get it done any quicker, do you? Or what if the hands belong to children? Hey, that shit flies in some third worl—developing countries. Then you’d need many, many hands. And that is not specified in this proverb.

“Nothing is certain in life but death and taxes.” Unless you’re homeless. Then you’re pretty much going to have to settle on death alone. Sorry.

Lastly, this is a favorite of mind. “The pot calls the kettle black.” I take issue with this one. I’ll bet you sometimes the pot calls the kettle “Murray.”

Now apologize to the Landshark for forgetting his birthday. You made him cry. You filthy whores.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.