There is something I was brought up with as a child that I am starting to doubt. When you’re a kid, this is one of the basic cornerstones of your intellectual cache. From the time you hit Kindergarten, you’re inundated with this fucker, and they plow away at your skull with it. Now, I’m not so certain that this is still a schoolyard mainstay. After all, it’s been more than 20 years sine I started grade school, but I highly doubt they’ve nixed the bastard yet.

Whatever could I be talking about, you ask? The answer can be summed up in five words:

The four basic food groups.

Folks, if ever there were a crock of shit to gag on, this would be it. I tells ya, it’s downright disheartening to know that the moment your education begins, you’re lied to.

First off, there are plenty of other food groups that are not included. Candy and sweets is the first one that comes to mind. You never saw Baby Ruth in that lame-ass food pyramid, did you? And what about crayons? Sure, they’re not foodstuffs per se, but when you’re a young’n, they certainly provide adequate sustenance in extreme survival scenarios. As does paste, but I suppose you could stretch that out into the dairy category. Maybe. And what about astronaut food? Where is that supposed to be cataloged? Not in meat or veggies, that’s for damn sure. Then there’s flan. And Spam. Sure, Spam is a kind of meat, but it really isn’t meat-meat, now is it? I think Spam deserves a quadrant all by itself in that goofy pyramid.

Not only that, but they trying telling you this thing is the blueprint for a balanced diet. Spare me. You’re telling me that if I have at least one helping of meat, fruits/veggies, dairy and grains per day, I will be leading a balanced diet.

Balderdash!

I’m not claiming to be a genius or anything here, but I was maybe 8 or 9 years old when I realized that each of these items is in a fucking Big Mac. Two (supposedly) all-beef patties (meat), the triple-decker bun (grains), lettuce, tomato (fruits and veggies), and cheese (dairy).

That is not a motherfreakin’ balanced diet! That is the sort of thing you eat in large quantities when you have a death wish, but want to go happily and heftily, OK?

And now with all this uproar over carbs, the existing battle with calories, and the never-ending string of low-fat alternatives, this so-called “food pyramid” may as well have been blown up by a Palestinian suicide bomber with Tourette’s. It’s archaic, pointless, and needs to be chucked (if it already hasn’t).

So what can you tell kids who are curious about eating healthy?

“Stick to that paste, Elroy. It worked wonders for me.”

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.