*Ri-i-i-i-ing. Ri-i-i-i-ing*

*Click*
Hi, you’ve reached El Niño’s voicemail. I can’t take your call, but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you. Peace.
*Beep*

Hey, El Niño, it’s Rick. How’s things? Hope La Niña and sus niños are doin’ OK. Normally, I’d leave a standard issue message asking you to call me back, ‘cause believe me, you and me gosta have a conversation. But I’ve got to get this off my chest…

I’m sick of you and your cute little weather manipulations. Oh, you were cute at first, and I must admit, I sorta missed you after that three or four year sabbatical you granted yourself (lazy prick), but now you’ve just up and pissed me off for the last time.

Y’see, you’ve been dropping a lot of that white feces around my home state, and frankly, I’m fed up. You’ve made me get sick twice in two months. I never get sick, son. Never. How did you make me? See, I have this thing called a “driveway,” and another thing called a “front walk.” And when you unload your white onslaughts over my house, in the morning, I have to shovel that crap. So in other words, I’m cleaning your mess, and that’s just really been getting to me.

You’ve also been keeping me from getting to the gym, and that’s just really selfish of you. I’m sorry, but I’ve been doing damned good with my workouts, and to have you step in and say, “Uh-uh! You cannot go to the gym, so speaketh El Niño,” well that’s just incredibly jerky of you.

But the ultimate slap in the face came yesterday, during your most recent trip to the atmospheric commode. Now, I had an exam last night, and with you waiting in the wings, there was a possibility you could’ve done me a solid and really let loose, thereby canceling my class. But no. You teased me. Teased us all. Sure, UNH was the only institute in New Haven county to not cancel night classes, so I hold them partially to blame.

But only because you were just stringing us along. First you told Lady Doppler you’d be dropping 6-7”. Then it was 3-6”. Then it was 1-3”. You fickle asshole. Make up your damn mind. So you yanked our crank all day long, and I had to drive to West Haven and take that exam. You could’ve given me an extra week to get my shit together, but that would be just too demanding of you. God forbid the almighty El Niño do something for anyone else.

So I drove down, no sweat. But then you decided to pick up the pace, and made the roads extra shitty for all of us motorists. The drive home was horrid. Then I got home, and had to shovel the driveway at 8:00 PM so I could pull in. This morning, my car doors were frozen, so once I had opened them, they wouldn’t shut. I had to keep my car on for about 45 minutes to thaw it out, thereby fragging my trip to the gym. And I had to shovel the driveway again, as well as the front walk. Now my lower back hurts.

So it is with this in mind that I say the following: I hate you El Niño. More than Pepsi Blue. More than single ply toilet paper. More than the French. You are El Niño, alright. El Niño del Diablo. Well I hope you go back to Hell very soon, and leave us alone for a long, long time. You’re a punk, El Niño. You’re a bad guy, and we all hate you here.

Just thought you’d like to know. Say hi to Mamacita for me. Kisses.

*Click*