Dear reader, 'tis the season to be jolly. Now I might come off as Captain Jerky quite often... But I definitely am imbued with the holiday spirit these days. Oh, yes, even I, the brooding, cranky, illegitimate spawn of George Carlin and Dennis Miller (neither one will claim me, and I can't say that I blame them), can see the beauty in life around this time of year.

In fact, I've even gone so far as to extend my holiday shopping list to some of my least favorite people in the world. Oh, they might not know it's from me, but they will never forget the rock thrown through their window with the gift attached...

But here's the catch, see... For the holidays, we always ask for what we want. How often do we ask for what we need? And believe me, the individuals in question are in need of my help.

So, without further ado... a list of what these genetic defectives desperately need for the holidays!

Paris Hilton - Some class and refinement.

Saddam Hussein - A mustache and beard trimmer, a long, hot bath, and of course, a very happy reunion with his sons for the holidays.

Michael Jackson - The coldest, darkest, dingiest cell possible, and the very deep affection of a very lonely 300 lb. cellmate named Rufus. He always wanted to be a child again, now he can know how every kid he has sleep over must feel like.

Lee Boyd Malvo - The wettest sponge possible when he goes to the chair.

TV Execs and Writers everywhere - A Clockwork Orange-inspired viewing of every reality show they’ve ever green-lighted, certain to leave a nasty taste in their brains.

The Clan McMahon - A competent, reasonable booking team that they'll actually listen to.

Ben Moody - A pair of kneepads for when he comes crawling back, begging Amy Lee to rejoin Evanescence.

Paul Stanley - A chest wax.

Gene Simmons - A tongue wax.

Eddie Murphy - A screenplay that doesn't suck and actually showcases his talent.

Scott Weiland - Sobriety. Not that he'd know what to do with it.

Ben Affleck - A good divorce attorney.

Jennifer Lopez - A bad divorce attorney.

Chris Benoit - Some respect and recognition.

Angie Harmon - A much better nose job.

Steve Cojocaru -Membership in the Steven Tyler Look-alike Fan Club, two broken wrists (so he can't type), and a ball gag spot-welded to his teeth.

Jessica Simpson - A deep-sea diving excursion to find out exactly what tuna really is. Just don't let her in on the fact that she'll be wearing cement flippers...

Ozzy Osbourne - A little peace and quiet, and a new group of friends that won't tug him every which way into the limelight.

Jason Newsted - A gig even he can't possibly blow.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone - The Nobel Peace Prize.

Anna Nicole Smith - A massive tapeworm.

Old Navy - Some celebrity spokespeople that aren't right off the B-list.

HBO - A swift kick in the nads for not getting the fifth season of The Sopranos out sooner.

The Queer Eye guys - Vaseline and some discretion.

Kobe Bryant - ...Well actually, if he gets convicted, he'll be getting what he deserves.

Natalie Maines - Some military and/or political experience, so if she ever opens her mouth again, she'll at least know what she's talking about.

Britney Spears - Anything she wants provided she stops calling me so much.

My boss - Some computer know-how and the ability to give me tasks without taking 20 minutes to explain.

My other boss - A cool head and a bag of weed. If anyone needs to relax, it's him.

Your mom - Crabs.

Goodnight and have a pleasant Christmas.