I’m sick of hearing about Paris Hilton. All others in the room who share this irritation, kindly raise your hands high.

As you probably know, I’ve ripped on celebrities many times in the past, and it’s not likely I’ll be stopping anytime soon, especially when wastes of skin like Paris Hilton are making the regular rounds on my front page, and taking up valuable space in my e-mail inbox.

So she made a sex tape. Big friggin’ whoop, who in Hollywood hasn’t these days? I’m sure even Bea Arthur made a sex tape with Ellen DeGeneres at some point.

I’ll take a five minute break while you go shower up to cleanse your mind of that image.

Back yet? Good. Bea and Ellen in the shower!

I’ll wait again. Sorry, but you didn’t scrub hard enough, skippy.

OK, no more references of the sort for the rest of this post. Honest injun.

So yeah, Paris made a sex tape, and now it’s found its way to the media’s grubby, sticky little hands. Well color me curmudgeony, but why should we give two shits about Paris Hilton’s little home video? For that matter, why should we give one shit about Paris Hilton to begin with? Has she done anything worth acknowledging lately? How about ever? I’m not keepin’ score or nothin’, but c’mon folks, this girl and her ‘ittle sister are about as useless as useless gets.

”How useless are they?"

Glad you asked…

They’re about as useless as a nicotine patch is to Denis Leary.

They’re about as useless as a young, beautiful, single woman in Michael Jackson’s bedroom.

They’re about as useless as a turn signal to a New Jersey motorist.

They’re about as useless as an AA meeting to Scott Weiland.

They’re about as useless as another Beastmaster movie.

Now that’s fuckin’ useless, kiddies.

So far, to my knowledge, the only thing these two kittens do is show up at parties, dance, drink, and make fools out of themselves. Should we really be giving them all this attention if that’s all they’re known for? Paris, Nikki, you’re cute, but call me up when you find a cure for the clap. Given your sex lives (what else would you expect from a couple of chicks named after a hotel?), I certainly hope you’re hard at work trying to crack that Rosetta.

But the news coverage on E! News Daily and Access Hollywood isn’t what gets me. That’s why God invented the remote control… for switching to Law & Order reruns on TNT. No, what gets me is every day I check my e-mail, I have some article of correspondence mentioning Ms. Hilton’s escapade courtesy of some anonymous snapperhead that is likely to buy me a virus and/or a subscription to the best of Girls Gone Wild! The Bestiality Edition.

And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s spam.

So Paris, if you’re readin’ this, and I hope to God you are… I, and every other sane, reasonable, decent human being that’s schleppin’ this pebble are really, really, really of hearing about you on an hourly basis.

However, I am a big supporter of the way you’re handling this. I really appreciate the fact that you’re laying low, as do we all. In fact, I’d like to recommend that you continue employing this practice well after this mess blows over.

And while you’re at it, please recommend your brilliant PR strategy to Michael Jackson, Pamela Anderson, Liza Minelli, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Fred Durst, and those Queer Eye For The Straight Guy blokes. In fact, have your wealthy parents buy an island and take them all with you. An island far away from cameras, televisions, and computers. Far away from us… nay, me!

*Sigh*

Why can’t Soleil Moon Frye make a sex tape? I wouldn’t mind her being overexposed.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant December.