A recent (and completely random) eBay purchase reminded me of how wonderful my childhood used to be. In fact, for any young males born between the years 1978 and 1984, it was probably a good childhood… provided your folks had a solid TV connection, and didn’t mind cartoons.

Man, growing up, there was nothing I longed for more than my daily dosage of cartoons to keep my imagination running wild. Now some uptight, anal-retentive, conservative-types might say that the over-the-top acts of violence often depicted in these programs might warp and distort young minds, thereby leaving them more susceptible to committing violent or antisocial acts.

Gimme a fuckin’ break.

There is something to be said for creativity and imagination. That’s what makes the world go ‘round. One person’s imagination can spawn an entire new lifestyle based around a single piece of film, art, music, etc. And believe it or not, cartoons are no different.

To quote the almighty Steven Tyler, “To be creative you’ve gotta be a child. You gotta be true to the crib.” I love that quote, and I live by it day to day. So when I am referred to as a “big kid” by somebody, I take that as a tremendous compliment. Yes, I still watch cartoons when time permits. I still play video games, read comic books, and the like when I have a little “Rick Time” to kill. I see nothing wrong with that.

Would you rather I be embracing my inner child or running rampant through the streets of Waterbury with a loaded .45?

Hey, you can’t blame a guy for trying to fit in, right?

Anyway, this eBay purchase I mentioned is truly a find: two classic episodes and two new, revamped episodes of He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe on four individual videotapes. All for $9.99 with shipping and handling included.

To quote George Costanza, “this is like discovering plutonium by accident!”

The original cartoon is so full of shtick, it’s almost comical. But at the same time, there are the occasional flashes of true virtue in the writing, particularly in one episode, “The Problem With Power.” If you’re a rabid eBayer, Amazonian, or Kazaa Junkie, I recommend searching for this. For a cartoon as one-dimensional as He-Man, this was actually a pretty thoughtful episode. And to boot, the new series on Cartoon Network is a full-on 10 in my book. It retains all the old characters, but brings it up to speed so that the shlock is kept to a minimum (thank God).

See, these kids today don’t get that kind of classic cartoon action that we grew up with. They get one of two things in their animation diet: either bizarre, non sequitur cartoons that borderline on the disturbing, or Japan’s most pointless, nonsensical kid’s anime.

The first category is comprised of the truly strange cartoons. You know the ones, like Fairly Oddparents, My Life As A Teenage Robot, that kinda stuff. We all know where the inspiration for those bad boys came from… Ren & Stimpy. There was something wonderfully alarming about that show. It was just so magnificently disgusting and borderline psychotic that, for a 12-year-old like myself, it was fantastic. And I do admit, some of today’s modern ‘toons that take their inspiration from Ren & Stimpy are pretty solid. Personally, I think Spongebob Squarepants is among the funniest programs on TV. Maybe not entirely suitable for kiddies at times, but definitely appropriate enough for me.

The second category is comprised of Japan’s finest, which turns out to be America’s poorest. I’m talking about rot like Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! This is what I’m talking about, kids don’t get the great action cartoons that we had growing up. They don’t get giant robots that turn into tanks or mystical sword-wielding barbarians. They get electric mice and folks who fight by playing cards. What a crock of crap.

Memo to Japan: I love most of your exports. I drive a Camry. I own a Sony PlayStation 2. I grew up on Nintendo. My cell phone is a Nokia. I used to love Michinoku Pro and FMW. I still love watching old tapes of Keiji Mutoh and Jushin Liger. For the most part, I approve of your contributions to American culture. But something in your collective Japanese brain must’ve gotten a bad sprain after that whole Tomagochi craze, ‘cause your cartoons suck ass. I’m not talking about shit like Akira or Ghost In The Shell. I can see the artistic qualities of those films. But your kids’ cartoons suck portions of ass too big to grasp with chopsticks. Save them for your kids, spare ours.

There was even a recent story on Fox News that Saturday morning cartoons, a staple in everyone’s childhood for more than 30 years, are on the decline. I find this to be such a tragedy… Kids should be allowed to revel in their childhood given the massive quantities of shit they will have to endure in their adult lives. They should be allowed to enjoy their childhood, and as far as I’m concerned, cartoons are an integral part of that developmental process.

Having thereby established such a woeful lack of fine children’s programming, I have therefore taken it upon myself to list the top ten cartoons of my youth.

Before I go any further, it should be duly noted that I am excluding “classic” cartoons such as old school Disney, Scooby Doo, and the grand-daddy of ‘em all, Looney Tunes. I’m talking retro cartoons, the kind that are now making a major comeback in the mainstream… the kind I grew up with.

I am also withholding primetime cartoons that are more risqué and adult-oriented. That is an entirely different vein altogether. Although for the record, the top five in that category are The Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, Beavis & Butt-Head, and The Critic. Case closed.

No, I’m talking about cartoons that I grew up with. Cartoons like…

He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe. Since this is in no particular order, I figured I might as well start it off with the ‘toon that inspired this post. The basic premise of He-Man was simple: Prince Adam, an apparent coward in most Eternians’ eyes, would draw his magical power sword whenever danger arose, say those five magic words that every young child should know (“By the power of Grayskull!”), and transform into He-Man, the strongest man in the universe. He-Man and his crew, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Teela, Orko, and the foxy Sorceress would defend Eternia from Skeletor and his henchmen (Beastman, Evil-Lynn, Triklops, Mer-Man, etc.). The thing that made this cartoon unique was that the toys predated the cartoon, leading many to lambaste it as a half-hour toy commercial. In a sense, said critics were accurate, as many of the characters were just ridiculous with little real function in the battle against evil (Man-E-Faces, Mech-A-Neck). However, there was a certain Shakespearean quality to He-Man in that Adam opted to pose as a goofball, a veritable slacker, so as not to arouse suspicion as to his true identity as He-Man. In Shakespeare’s Henry IV: Part I and Henry IV: Part II, Prince Hal employs a similar technique by posing as a rambunctious young punk, all the while planning to take full responsibility when the time comes for him to be king. Sure enough, in Henry V, Hal, now king, is represented as England’s greatest wartime king. In short, while it was marketing at it’s most devious, He-Man did occasionally throw in the valuable lesson during the actual story.

Transformers. This is perhaps the favorite of most nostalgians like myself. The premise is quite simple: giant robots from a planet called Cybertron have the ability to transform into cars, trucks, planes, weapons, and a variety of household items. Now on earth, the heroic Autobots strive to defeat the evil Decepticons, who are bent on destroying Earth and reclaiming Cybertron. This cartoon was unique from all others on this list in that it was dead serious. Even the other action cartoons here often featured flashes of cheap comedy, usually thanks to a bumbling sidekick of some sort. Transformers, however, sunk to no such lows. It was good vs. evil, plain and simple. This show managed to capture many a child’s imagination by providing interesting character development (for the 80’s at least), solid animation, and, of course, transforming robots. How cool is that? I mean, think about it. Such a concept was absolutely unheard of back then, and it really pushed the limits of what cartoons were all about. Still not convinced? How about the fact that over 20 years later, Transformers endures as one of the most beloved cartoons ever. Much like Star Wars and Star Trek, the cartoon has its own convention: “BotCon.” At this convention, diehard “TransFans” gather to buy and trade old and new toys and assorted collectibles. They go so far as to make their own costumes that actually transform. The ‘toon had a solid run for several seasons, not to mention a slew of spin-offs in recent years (Beast Wars, Armada), a kick-ass movie that really pushed the envelope for ’86 (how about killing off several of your major characters and tossing in some bad language for a kids’ movie?), and one blatant rip-off that everyone seems to hate. GoBots, I’m looking your way…

G.I. Joe. Lets face it, this was the cartoon that spawned a generation of service men and women. This one took that classic 12” doll (perhaps the first official “action figure” in the children’s toy canon) with the Kung Fu grip and transformed it into an elite military unit designed specifically to take out the evil terrorist group Cobra. The Joes were fairly one-dimensional with the exception of a few notable characters (Roadblock, Snake Eyes, Shipwreck), but what an ensemble. I mean, where the frig else could you find a sailor, a Native American, a mute Ninja, a basketball player, a pro wrestler, and a cowboy in the military? It’s like the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy on homosexuals was lifted and the Village People enlisted. Beyond the Joes, Cobra’s finest were just too cool. I’m talking before Serpentor and that bizarre Cobra-La shit in the movie. Cobra Commander is the ultimate egotistical villain, so completely full of himself that he borderlines on bumbling. Of course, that seems to be the trademark of every Chris Latta voiced villain… hubris. Cobra Commander, Starscream in Transformers, even Rasp in the obscure Dino Riders. And the man played the part… or voiced the voice to a tee. Lets also not forget Destro and the Baroness. Very cool stuff. Plus the fact that in a military cartoon, no one ever died. We need the Joes over in Iraq, man.

Voltron. Rule of thumb: Kids love giant morphing robots. One of the few Japanese cartoon exports to really make a splash in the U.S. and actually be entertaining. The premise: five space travelers in search of a giant robot called Voltron land on the planet of Arus, which is being tormented by the “Planet of Doom’s” most notorious residents… King Zarkon, Prince Lotor, and Hagar the Witch. The explorers, Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, and Sven (who soon departs) team up with the planet’s princess, Allura to pilot five robotic lions that, when the world is threatened, combine to form the monolithic robot Voltron, famous for its amazing power and blazing sword. King Zarkon’s robeasts never stood a chance against that blazing sword! An aside: I don’t know how many people have pegged the Voltron robot as the inspiration for the original Megazord in Might Morphin’ Power Rangers. It certainly is an uncanny resemblance. At any rate, this was just plain fun, as I recall. Completely predictable, a la He-Man, but still a good romp. It should be noted that a less popular Voltron spin-off was aired at the same time featuring an Earthbound “cousin,” also called Voltron. Only this Voltron was made completely of giant vehicles. This one never had the character development… probably because there were too many vehicles that needed pilots. No one could keep track of who was who. Also, a 3-D Voltron ‘toon hit the waves in the late ‘90’s, but nothing beats the real thing.

Danger Mouse. This is one of the most oft-overlooked of all kids’ ‘toons from the 80’s. A satirical British feature that was part James Bond, part Mickey Mouse, part Monty Python, all classic. Danger Mouse is a small white mouse with an eye patch who is also the world’s greatest secret agent. His partner is a cowardly little hamster in horn rims named Penfold, and his arch-nemesis is the vile frog kingpin, Baron Silas von Greenback. Describing this is just nigh-impossible for me… except that my parents were content with the fact that I would go to bed immediately following Danger Mouse, for it always satiated my childish cartoon cravings. I mean… DM lived in a commonplace red pillar box on Baker Street in London just outside the home of Sherlock Holmes. This li’l rodent managed to travel the world in his fantastic car/plane, or into space with the “Space Hopper.” The cartoons were part adventure, part non sequitur comedy that was just plain silly. For some reason, this was always in my top three. For me, it was He-Man, Transformers, and Danger Mouse. If ever there were cartoon to epitomize the term “zany,” this’d be it. The two years that Danger Mouse was on the air were two of the greatest years of my life. Hands down.

Thundercats. Say it with me now… “Thunder… Thunder… Thundercats! Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! This was another tale of swordplay and futuristic technology, featuring Lion-O, the heroic leader of the Thundercats, residents of the planet Thundera, taking on Mumm-Raa and his minions. Somehow, while Mumm-Raa was not as memorable a villain as, say, Skeletor or Megatron, there was just something cool about the ‘Cats. Especially Cheatara. Now that was a fox of a cat. Or something. It also featured Panthro, widely regarded as the “black” Thundercat. Hilarious. No, what made this cartoon particularly cool was the animation, which was top-notch for the time, and the cool weapons and vehicles. In fact, comic book magazine Wizard recently had a Fantasy Warfare bout between Lion-O, bearing his Sword of Omens, and He-Man, wielding the Sword of Grayskull. I am now fully bearing my inner geek, but that’s one I’d pay to see. Right up there with Aliens vs. Predator and Robocop vs. Terminator. Yes ladies, I am still single. No, I’m not surprised, either.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What can you say about this one except it defined a generation of kids? Young, full of piss and vinegar, feisty, loud-mouthed, etc. ad infinitum. This cartoon originated from a much more volatile independent comic book that ultimately made its way to a kid-friendly fan base via light-hearted cartoon adventures. What is unique about TMNT is that it practically created its own language, integrating the phrase “cowabunga” into the pop cultural lexicon. But when this little ditty about four giant turtles, their sensei rat, red-headed news reporter friend, evil ninja nemesis, and his extra-dimensional gigantic talking brain ally wasn’t influencing the vernacular, it was providing some of the most unique cartoon action in years. Put it this way: you know that a kids’ cartoon makes it big when it spawns its own live-action film and subsequent sequels. Attempts to revive the Turtles in the late 90’s were flawed when a live-action TV show not only added a much-hated female turtle to the mix, but also made a complete shift in antagonists. Believe it or not, Shredder, who had tormented the Turtles for nearly 10 years (in real time, that is), was ousted from the new series within the first few episodes. I speak for everybody when I say, “Blasphemy!” How dare these half-baked writers take such gross liberties with a classic? I wasn’t this pissed off at character mismanagement since the entire Spider-Clone debacle of the mid 90’s. Thankfully, an updated cartoon has made its way back to the small screen, bringing back the characters we love. Say it with me now, “Turtle Power!”

DuckTales. Man, remember when Disney was still considered to be an earnest company for kids and not an evil corporation? Those were the days… At any rate, this was one of the earliest Disney ‘toons to surface between the late 80’s and early 90’s. It told the tale of Scrooge McDuck (Donald’s uncle), and his great nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie. See, Scrooge is a rich duck, and his love of money often led to amazing adventures. And man, what adventures they were! What always struck me about this show was that while Scrooge was the main protagonist, there was such a plethora of unique characters in Duckberg that it was nothing short of mind-blowing. In fact, no single character was in every single episode of the program. They say variety is the spice of life, and I like to agree. Bearing that in mind, I think this might be the most underrated ‘toon of my youth. There was also the underlying theme that money isn’t everything, which made for a nice moral message for the ‘il kiddies. Plus, the stories took so much from ancient history and mythology, they were simply too cool not to get drawn in. Truly a classic in every sense of the word.

Tiny Toon Adventures. While the ubiquitous Looney Tunes didn’t make the list due to loopholes and logistics, this pint-sized version of Bugs and the crew definitely brought back some fond memories of my youth. Here we have one that once again proves a character ensemble is by far the way to go! I mean, c’mon, ya got Babs and Buster Bunny (no relation), Plucky Duck, Gogo Dodo, Dizzy Devil, Li’l Sneezer, so many great characters. This really is an oft-overlooked gem in the Warner Bros. cartoon canon. Lets be honest, this was the precursor to Animaniacs, which begat Pinky & The Brain. But Tiny Toons was the first to really not only play off of the Warner Bros. cartoon legacy, but also poke fun at Hollywood through sharp little witticisms and quips. I mean, there was a whole episode where Plucky tried to convince Tim Burton to direct Bat-Duck. Simply hilarious. And if all else failed, there was always Baby Plucky and those five magic words: “Ele’lator go down the ho-o-o-o-ole.”

Muppet Babies. Recipe for cartoon success: take several of Jim Henson’s beloved Muppets, set Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine to their childhood, and let their imaginations run wild. For years, Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzy, Rolph, Scooter, Skeeter (where’d she come from?), and Animal captured the imaginations of every kid on the planet. This cartoon was beautiful in that it was totally innocent, 100% wholesome. When it wasn’t parodying Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or Star Trek, it was just being cute in a healthy sort of way. The impetus of Muppet Babies was imagination. Much like Calvin & Hobbes, the characters’ adventures took place entirely in their imaginations. That’s awesome.

After all, that’s what cartoons should be all about, right? Imagination.

If I haven’t provided enough satisfactory information on these cartoons, just Google them and enjoy your childhood. And if that’s not enough, hit up eBay, Amazon, or Half.com and let it fly. Won’t you please join our tea party? C’mon, regress with me, here!

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.