Why is the whole world up in arms about this Ashlee Simpson/SNL “fiasco?” Why do we care? Why do we give one tenth of one shit why this untalented, mantis-like starlet fucked up?

Quite frankly, this situation isn’t even deserving of the mocking title of “Ashlee-Gate.” Since when was Ashlee Simpson a big enough celebrity to deserve her own “gate?” I wouldn’t even give her a “coup,” for crying out loud.

A brief aside: for those of you who saw that clip… what was up with that “dance?” Dear God… I thought Britney Spears was the least talented poptart out there, but Ashlee is about to make me eat my words. Or toss my cookies. Haven’t figured that out yet.

Back on topic… Why do we mere mortals zero in on these stupid little celebrity moments so much? When did our lives become so empty that we had to live through the actions of some dim-witted shit-for-brains? Ashlee’s song screw up, Janet Jackson’s breast, Björk’s weird-ass swan dress, Jennifer Lopez’s “barely there” (God, I hate that phrase) dress at the Oscars…

People… who… gives… a… fuck?

Seriously, I’m not a pessimistic or hateful person by any means, but the more these people do stupid shit, the more I want to bomb Hollywood.

Except when they’re filming comic book movies. Or anything with Keira Knightley.

And the reason I opt to bomb celebrities instead of the people who obsess about celebrities is because the former is a far smaller, more concentrated population than the latter. My hope in doing so would be that the elimination of said celebrities would allow these would-be stalkers to wake up and smell the oxygen for once. Read a book, go for a walk, it’s Autumn for Chrissakes! Enjoy the foliage. Do something other than reading US Weekly in between airings of Entertainment Tonight and The Simple Life.

Celebrities are not that important. Most of them are not even that talented. Therefore, there’s no reason we should go apeshit if they fuck up. We all fuck up. It’s part of life. Only difference is most of us aren’t on camera when it happens. Ultimately, the more we buzz about their strange behavior and shortcomings, the more ammunition we’re supplying them to straight-out suck ass.

And I, for one, will not allow that to happen. So, in summation, I have this to say about Ashlee-Gate:

Don’t care, don’t care, and, um… don’t care.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.